Chixe

Wow, Scoopersmith; unfortunately, I can't really say that I relate to you. You have your whole life ahead of you! :)

When I see babies and I kind of ... cringe. Maybe I'm the one with something wrong in her noggin. And as for me, I'm turning 29 tomorrow. And honestly, I cannot see myself willingly having a child within 4-5 years from now.

To get a better understanding, what is it about having children that you feel this intense jealousy for? Is it the experience of raising a child? Or having someone you can call your own?

That's a very good question.

I meant to add this in the post but forgot: It's not only seeing mothers with their babies, even seeing pregnant women makes me incredibly jealous, although usually happy for them.

I wouldn't say there's one reason, perhaps a mixture of a bunch of smaller stereotypical reasons.

ie. -having a mini-me/my beau that we can raise to be a great person
-having that connection with your child
-they're just darn cute/the baby smell

Stuff like that.

And just to prevent anyone from saying: just wait to you have to change diapers, stay up at night blah blah blah. I have to say I have babysat for a huge portion of my life, for infants, toddlers, preschools, elementary school kids, so I do have some idea of what I am in for. (and yes I have gotten peed on)

ie. -having a mini-me/my beau that we can raise to be a great person
-having that connection with your child
-they're just darn cute/the baby smell

Sorry to be blunt but these are not good reasons to have a child, especially for someone whose brain just finished developing. I have known girls younger than me who have gotten pregnant for those reasons, and they were quickly welcomed with a reality check. Even when you babysit you are only getting a tiny glimpse of what goes into parenting. You can give it back. When it's yours, you're stuck with it. ALL DAY. and ALL NIGHT.

For one thing pregnancy wreaks havoc on the body and mind. For another, it's expensive. You have monthly, then weekly doctor visits, and then the hospital stay, and insurance doesn't cover everything. Then once the baby's born you've got the expense of a carrier, car seat, bassinette, playpen, toys, high chair, feeding supplies. Diapers are expensive and babies outgrow their clothes fast.

Next time you see a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby remember that there are 23 hours, 59 minutes and 45 seconds of that woman and that baby's life that you are not seeing, and it is a lot more difficult than you seem to be aware.

I had my first at 24, and I think I could have waited quite a bit longer. That being said, some people are just meant to be moms, and some aren't. I think I'm in the latter category. I hated to babysit, no matter the ages of the kids. I think wanting kids was a moment of weakness or insanity or something 16 years ago, and I thought about the entire prospect much too lightly. Now that they're here, I'm doing my best, but it's undoubtedly not THE best.

You sound a lot like a neighbor of mine years ago: she was one of those who was meant to be a mom. She loved kids, had four girls, wanted more, and her husband finally said "no more." All she ever wanted was to raise babies and she snatched mine and any others within reach whenever she got the chance. She connected with her kids even when they were older, so it wasn't just a baby thing.

So, no, I can't say that I can relate to what you feel, but can only say to think about it a lot, then think some more before making that decision. It's definitely one that's difficult (if not impossible) to undo later on, and you get to live with it forever in one way or another. I say, wait a bit, enjoy growing into yourself and knowing yourself as an adult before going down that road.

Yes and no.

At this time, my biological clock is going a wee bit too fast for a guy and I'd love to have children of my own to raise. Just that at 24 or rather where I am now, I don't have the financial stability to raise them. Maybe in another 4 years down the road.

Raising a child I realize is pretty hard work. You're responsible not only for yourself but for the future well being of another person...completely. Every mistake you can make could result in your child growing up to be a bad person. I'm not the most conventional person in the world. What if my children hate me? What if they get into trouble because of me?

When I was younger, I promised myself never to let my family fall into the same problems I did. It's a promise I'm willing to kill for and willing to die for. The question is...can I live up to all that responsibility? Now. Me. Standing where I am. Having all that I have.

Maybe I just think too much, but having babies doesn't just mean the obvious cleaning up after them. It's so much more and you know what...personally, it scares me to hell knowing I might screw up.

Maybe that's something you should give thought too as well.

I'm 22, and I haven't turned on my biological clock yet, have none of those feelings, so can't relate at all.

I had my first when I was 24. While my friends were finishing college, going out, having fun, enjoying life I was married with serious responsibilities. My ex and I split up and I grew up quickly. I have two children by that marriage and no regrets but I can honestly say raising them (as a single parent) was the biggest challenge I faced until I was raped/assaulted and having to recover/recuperate from that (it took over a year for my body to heal from that). When I was in so much pain I just wanted to dig a whole in the ground and drop in it to get some peace (funny, you find out your true loved ones during times like that because they attempt to make things easier, not create unnecessary hassles) I had to get up each day with a smile on my face because I didn't want the two people I love so much to suffer with me.

I use this example because life throws hurdles that one cannot expect. To be a good parent one has to be prepared for those hurdles, emotionally and financially. The stronger the foundation the better things will be and it is impossible to be prepared for everything.

You might have heard this before, but you can make the most of the time while you wait. If you are going to college, finish (if you aren't, think about going). Save up so you have a cushion, pay off unnecessary debts, save for a house, solidify a firm position where you work so taking time off wouldn't be an issue, etc. If you are making the most of the time until you are 24 it's a goal you are working towards and the time will hopefully go faster lol. The more stable you are the more you can enjoy that special experience without having to worry about necessities, expenses, etc.

Over the holidays a friend of mine and I volunteered at a hospital and we were able to spend some time on the maternity floor. Very rewarding experience. Perhaps spending time with children while giving back will help make the time go faster until you can have your own. :)

No matter how strongly we want to be pregnant or parent (at any age and for whatever reason) I honestly don't think we are realistically prepared. Ever. We can read books, babysit and talk with other parents, but the experience just can't be described. I'm saying all this, because you sound like wanting and 'being ready' to parent is extremely important right now. There are many things to consider in this process:
1. it is a permanent lifestyle change
2. it is an expensive committment for at least 25 years
3. sharing the experience, having a partner, is important. They don't necessarily have to live with you but providing a support system and being a role model for the child is vital
Maybe being around babies is a step you could take, like Tyme suggested, in a volunteer role. Remember please, cute adorable babies grow into children and even teenagers! While you are volunteering, please finish any educational committments. It's true that you can be a college student at any time, but it's much, much easier now, with your age group. Remember what makes you a future 'good parent' is being very comfortable, secure and satisfied with yourself.
I had only one child at age 29. I absolutely consider parenting the most important and hardest thing I ever did (do) in my entire life.

I forgot to add. I'm extremely well educated and had (have) a respected career. My resume looks very impressive. It's the 'balancing act' between parenting and work that is not known. Both were (are) important to me but if truth be known, parenting was much harder and sometimes much more important than all these awards and the career recognition I've earned.

Oh, Sarah, when I see very young women with babies I generally feel sorry for them, but that's most likely because I would have been a terrible parent in my twenties. Parenting is just a really, really difficult thing to do and as Auburn says, nobody can really be prepared for that. It puts a huge amount of strain on a marriage (as well as your bank account and your body) to have children. Having been a mother for twelve years -- and with three boys -- I am so glad I waited until I was emotionally and financially secure before I had children. For me, that turned out to be when I was 35. That's a long time to wait, but I was really not ready until then. But I am not you! I think you're smart to ask other people about their own experience with this, and wish you well in finding out what is right for you.

I've not had children, nor do I want them for at least seven more years. That being said, I have my moments. Children love me, for some reason. They'll run from their parents to come talk to me. That does pull on those invisible strings, I assure you. However, those strings are not good enough reason to have a child or even really to spend any large amount of time wanting one.

I agree with dreamweaver. There are some out there who really, really desire to be mothers and stay at home, and they're usually great at what they do. Not all women are like this, though, so it's important to figure out which category you fall into. One of my best friends got married just before she turned 17; her husband is several years older, which, as one might imagine, was not easily accepted. They struggled, but they were so happy together.

Loving her, I supported her, but in the back of my head, I worried. I especially worried when they had a child into the first year of their marriage. Now she's 21, and they have two children. Both she and her husband are doing great, loving life, and really couldn't be happier. Their children are beautiful and sweet. It's not the life I would choose for myself, but it is definitely the life I would choose for her, as it is what has brought her so much joy. She won't likely stay home always after her children start school (she wants to get a degree to teach), but she is definitely one of those women who wanted a family young, and it hasn't done her any harm in following that desire. So, again, wanting a child when young isn't the end of the world. It's just figuring out if you're of the category that can handle the responsibility or not.

Having babysat, you have somewhat of an idea of what you can handle, but babysitting is a temporary thing; having a child is an 18+ year responsibility. That's what you have to think about. Not just the cuddles and diaper changing, but a child going from infant to young man or woman. And there will be no breaks.

I also agree with some of the sentiments that you will never be ready, though. You'll never be financially stable enough, mentally prepared enough, etc., etc. You can, however, be in the ballpark of being ready, and if you aren't in the ballpark, I don't think you should be considering anything, for the child's sake. And, to me, it doesn't sound like you are ready. The thing that flashes most to me is this: your significant other doesn't want children yet.

Now, you can think that he may have a change of heart when you become pregnant, which might be true, but it'd be much better if you were both on the same page, from the start, for such a life-altering event. He is saying he will begin to consider things when you're 24, and that's only three years away. I think it is worth waiting three years to learn more about yourself and have the support of your boyfriend or husband. The last thing you want is to bring a child into the home of divided or quarreling parents, and that is the selfish risk you take if you have a child now. If you really love babies, you'll take into consideration the kind of lifestyle and home you would bring them into. Most young people would not/could not bring them into a stable, safe environment.

Perhaps instead of looking at it like "I have to wait 3+ years!", look at it as an investment into your children's future. By knowing more about yourself and the world, you're going to probably be better at, and more mature about, a number of things.

I like all the warnings and well thought out reasoning here. It's good stuff.

As a man I'm completely unqualified to offer any advice on the subject. The only thing that strikes me is how one sided the advice here has been. I've known many who have had children at a young age, and are quite happy about it. I do also know those that regret it very deeply. Ultimately your decision can not come from an external source, you'll have to be true to yourself. I do suggest you be VERY sure as there's no turning back.

Like I have no clock at all.
I got my first baby 10 months ago at the age of 31. I have never thought about having children or getting married, I was so happy being single and free, very selfish. I miss being selfish. Enjoy your free time and alone time with your husband.

I got my first baby 10 months ago at the age of 31.

Was this item thrown in with the new car?

Was this item thrown in with the new car?

I can't say I gave birth because I had a Cesarean. I just can't say it or write it or think it. It was "their" mistake. If you are a really mean person you should pursue this issue and step on it a little harder.

Why would you want to be mean to somebody you don't know? This kind of blind hate just makes me mad. Cheers leliathomas, you are so cool!

I can't say I gave birth because I had a Cesarean. I just can't say it or write it or think it. It was "their" mistake. If you are a really mean person you should pursue this issue and step on it a little harder.

Why would you want to be mean to somebody you don't know? This kind of blind hate just makes me mad.

What?

ever

What?

Lelia I'm just guessing that people who just signed up haven't really read around Notes enough to decipher some of our users' sense of humor.

"Getting a baby" made me chuckle a little, so I can only assume you had the same reaction.

Please do not even thinking of getting a child if the other part isn't ready. Do not force your will upon him.

I've seen it so many times and every time it has gone wrong, resulting in a divorce, because the man is feeling like an outsider.

In a matter like this one can't be selfish, we have to think about the CHILD's best and that is to have two parents.

That is one nasty sense of humor. Implying things like that is really ... few things come to mind. I explained why I said it like that, it is not my fault that some people are less sensitive and cant understand or relate.

izabelala, I'm assuming English isn't your native tongue? We say "having a baby," regardless of whether it was born vaginally or by cesarean, not "getting a baby." "Getting" implies that it was just handed to you, as a gift or a prize. It also devalues the many months that you spent gestating.

You didn't "explain why you said it like that" until after you assumed that what leliathomas said was mean-spirited, which it wasn't at all, it seemed to me a reaction to your peculiar word choice. What reason would she have to attack you? People aren't like that on here, so just calm down.

Dear jensized, I used this word intentionally. I am aware that I have a peculiar reaction to Cesarean, but I cant change it... I do not want to go into too many details and explain how and why I feel that way.... because it hurts.

I expressed exactly how I feel. I was pregnant and everything was fine, I was getting ready to give birth and one day they just took it out of me I got it from a nurse, after they forcefully took it out. It was a big scandal and my personal tragedy, I felt they stole this wonderful gift from me. I didnt get to give birth to my son.

I am guilty for not thinking about possible bad reactions but I didn't expect such mean comments.

Just an example of 9rules humour, mind. Lelia doesn't mean anything by it.

One last time:

You didn't "explain why you said it like that" until after you assumed that what leliathomas said was mean-spirited

I give up.

Dear jensized, I used this word intentionally. I am aware that I have a peculiar reaction to Cesarean, but I cant change it... I do not want to go into too many details and explain how and why I feel that way.... because it hurts.

You used that word intentionally because YOU are aware of why. You never said anything of the sort in your original reply. I'm sure there would be other people giving your reply a raised eyebrow look if they read it without knowing the back story behind it. Not even a back story just a short "don't ask" since you knew you were saying it that way.

No one's putting down your experience or tragedy - just trying to figure out what you meant.

Well, I realize what happened. I always overreact when somebody is talking about my child in an inappropriate context. Implying a connection with a car purchase was ... not so nice. Even with an imaginary baby and illustrated car... it was too weird. I mean, you can distance yourself from the idea and think about the baby as an object but not between two breastfeeding sessions, it is very personal then.

I really hope I didn't make things even more fuzzy with this post... sorry for the disturbance :)

Wow, calm down. I was, indeed, just joking about your choice of words, and your response made no sense to me, and so I asked "What?" I didn't mean to get your feathers ruffled. I apologize if I did.

I've met some women (a good friend of mine, in fact) who had a similar reaction to their unplanned cesareans. However--and you can take what I say with a grain of salt, considering I've not had children and when I do, I plan to opt for cesarean--I do somewhat wonder why it matters. The greatest amount of bonding is formed outside of the womb, during breastfeeding, cuddling, etc. It seems to me that all that matters was a child was born in hopefully good health and into a loving home. Your son or daughter is surely never going to care whether he was born naturally or via cesarean. My mother had to have a cesarean to have me.