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Is 20years too much of a difference?
Written By Julie808Yasashi on Nov. 6, 2007.
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I moved from Japan to Hawaii about a year ago. I met a man who is very kind and sincere. We started off as friends and kept it that way for many months. I have met other men who I also thought was very nice and I have dated several of them Each time I would go back to him and just enjoy his company. He has never pressured me into anything, always helped me with my financial problems when I needed it too.
I really liked him and never thought about actually dating him because I was always asked out by other men that I met. He just didn't seem interested enough in me. I felt like he was a very close friend and nothing more.
We did spend a lot of time together during the days when I was off, since he worked graveshift he could spend the time with me during the day. We enjoyed ourselves immensely and I got to see Hawaii through a local's eyes. It's very beautiful.
This year we have become very close and I see him exclusively now. He is not married, he is divorced with 3 daughters. His ex-wife is now living with someone else and he manages most of the bills for his daughter's education himself. I do not want to be a burden on him and have not pressured him in anyway to become a serious relationship. I do love him very much.
In the beginning I thought he was 38, I am 28 and so it never seemed strange to me that I would be attracted to him. However, I found out that he is actually 48. He confided in me that he felt he was a little too old for me and thus never placed any pressure on me as well.
My mom has met him, she came for a visit from Japan and found him to be absolutely charming. She is always asking about him and wishing him well when I see him. Here is the my thought, he is the same age as my mom, they are both 48, and I can see myself enjoying life alongside of him. He has never asked me about it, he thinks he is too old for me, although he has said that he loves me very much too.
Is it too much of an age difference to expect a relationship?
I am not very good at this type of matter, I just know how I feel about him and how he feels about me. The other men I have dated are younger than him but there is nothing there between them except for me and him.
Tyme
Written Nov. 6, 2007 / Report /
Age has nothing to do with maturity. You can date someone your same age and they have the maturity of a child.
If you are happy and particularly if your families approve, nothing else matters. I'd definitely have a talk about future plans (ie: kids, etc.) to make sure you are sync. Take it one day at a time. There are a lot of couples with age differences that last longer than same age couples (I honestly think some personality types get along better when one is older than the other because of patience an older person will have over someone the same age).
Of course this is provided he is not uncomfortable with the age difference.
I used to think holding out for until death do part was a wise thing to do. Life is too short because you never know when that person is "the one". In truth, any relationship the person is the best choice "right now" and continues to be as the couple moves forward in life. If you're happy enjoy that time together...as long as it lasts.
Good luck!
edit: I think it's very honorable he hasn't pressured you. Very honorable and considerate.
Griffith
Written Nov. 6, 2007 / Report /
If it weren't for my parents not caring for an age difference, I wouldn't be typing this right now. The age gap between my parents is more or less the same as yours and that man's and my father is more or less the same age as my grandmother also.
If you've seen many men, but always found yourself returning to one person, it seems that your mind has already made it's decision for you. The best way to move with a relationship is to take it naturally and let it evolve at it's own pace.
All I can wish you is good luck, and I'm glad that you managed to find someone like him.
animejulie
Written Nov. 6, 2007 / Report /
My grandfather was 19 years older than my grandmother, and they had a very happy marriage. I don't think that age matters as long as you are happy.
Ozone42
Written Nov. 6, 2007 / Report /
Age can be an obstacle to certain things, but I don't think overall it matters very much. The chief concern would be as you age if you can deal with someone who is less and less able to get around, or if you're interested in having children.
The thing is, we all get old and frail. It's just a question of how much you do that together and how much you do it separately, and does that matter to you?
auburn
Written Nov. 25, 2007 / Report /
If he's the same age as your mom and she supports your relationship, it sounds like congratulations are in order because everything points to this relationship becoming long-term and permanent. Read what you wrote; you already identified that he is no longer grieving his ex-wife, takes financially excellent care of his children and has never pressured or pushed you but you keep returning to him. The only thing that is somewhat squishy is your and his feelings about having children. 9rulers reading this may disagree but I don't think having biological children is so vital. You've come mighty close to the concept of "soul mate"!!
Jia
Written Dec. 7, 2007 / Report /
i hardly thinks it matter so long as you're ok with it. and you guys really connect u know..