Chixe

wow, your username is long and oddly spaced.

Seriously, a forum probably isn't the place where you'll get the help you really need. You and him need to go to marriage counseling, QUICK. He and you should also probably go solo to see a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), seeing as he's apparently manipulative and you codependent. Finally, I also recommend going to Crown Financial Ministries (crown.org) and checking out some of their coursework on money.

Otherwise, if HE is as bad with money as you say (ever thought of taking the finances over yourself?) and if HE isn't willing to change, then sorry, but it's time to separate. Not divorce, but show him you're serious. THIS IS A LAST RESORT OPTION, AND ALL OTHERS BEFORE THIS SHOULD BE APPROACHED.

Usually it's pride, more than anything itself, that screws people's finances. There is plenty of help out there. No one should be in this bad a financial shape. 4 repos in 9 years + 2 foreclosures. Wow. I can hardly fathom it.

People only change when:

1) They realize there is something wrong
2) They honestly want to fix it
3) Are willing to put forth the effort to fix it

#3 is what trips people up the most.

You could seek some legal advice. This forum would be a good place to start for your legal situation. Do not blindly post your situation. Research first (you can look for cases/advice in your area). If you have further questions then post your question (think about it, use proper grammar, etc.) and a lawyer will most likely give you some advice. Counseling would not be a bad idea either but with a foreclosure on the horizon perhaps there is a legal loop-hole that can save your house.

Good luck! :)

Don't know if Gnorb will get this or not...kinda new to this. Wanted to let you know.....we not only have taken Crown Ministries...we have facilitated it 2 times!!! And I have tried several times to take over the finances, however, he'd have big $ months, no money months....it caused huge stress & then the last time my father was dying of cancer. I honestly couldn't deal with it. I was dumb to just trust again. We are going to counseling, & financial counseling. You hit it on the nose with pride....it's an evil thing!

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

My only thought is you've got to be kidding. You need to take responsibility for yourself, it appears to have gone past the point of true reconciliation unless you are willing to settle for the life you described. I have heard if people change that much one might want to consider a gambling or drug and alcohol problem.

Unless he wants help and fast you have some hard decisions to make, life is full of them and I wish you the best.

After seeing a lawyer and getting your credit rating separate from his, please seriously consider how your low self esteem might have contributed to this mess. You are worth more.

Wanted to let you know.....we not only have taken Crown Ministries...we have facilitated it 2 times!!!

My question there is "What did you learn?" Seriously, you've facilitated with them twice, you should have learned something, even if it wasn't what would get you completely out of trouble. So what did you get out of it?

By the way, you may want to read the book "Automatic Millionaire." While I'm not crazy about everything the author says, we've used a few of his methods to take a LOT of the stress away from our bill-times. In fact, I don't even call them bills, I call them "Williams." I don't care to get too comfy with them.

& then the last time my father was dying of cancer.

This... is just one of those bumps. Financially speaking, that is. (Please don't think I'm ignoring the pain of seeing your father with cancer. My most sincere condolences.) You can navigate around this financial hurdle by talking to your creditors and figuring out a pay schedule. (I'll talk a bit more about this later.)

And I have tried several times to take over the finances, however, he'd have big $ months, no money months....it caused huge stress

First, if you've tried to take over the finances, then it's not all on him (like your note makes it sound). It's very much on you too, miss. Take responsibility and admit that you are also captain of that ship, and you have the power to turn it around.

As for his attitude changing, yes, drugs and alcohol can do things, but so can money stress. When stress is high it can cause ALL kinds of fights. In fact, I'm willing to bet 90% of your conversation has to do with money: what you spend your time on, what you eat, and bills. Money trouble is also the leading cause for divorce. (Regardless what people believe, and despite Hollywood, those with less money tend to divorce more than those with a lot of money, at least in this country.)

(By the way, do you have a job?)

Regarding his income, judging by the income fluctuations I take it he either (a) owns his own business, or (b) works in sales (or some other commission based job). Been there, done that, know how it feels. The key in this case is to do the following:

1) Figure out how much you're spending a month. Total. This is how much you need to make sure you have at the beginning of the month in the bank.

2) When you figure out how much you're spending, also figure out what you waste money on: how often do you eat out? what do you do for entertainment? This is where you can cut corners. The best way to do all this is to figure out what your basic liabilities are -- home payment, car payment, electricity, insurance, water, groceries, phone, etc. (by the way, you can do without cable. Bunny ears antennas work fine, so do cheap library books) -- and see how much money you're bleeding out unnecessarily.

Starting here, you'll be able to figure out (1) how much -- bare minimum -- you need every month, and what your income should be at. You should also be able to see whether perhaps he (and you) should move into a more steady line of work. Financial problems are fine if there's a clearly defined goal, and if steps are being taken to attain that goal. They're not fine when there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, what kind of advice do you get, and from who? Be careful who you listen to, and question EVERYTHING. (Yes, even this, even me.) Find someone who's been where you are and now has what you want in order to find out how they did it. This is called mentorship, and no one of any great success every did anything without this. If you can't find a person like that, try to find someone who has what you want: financial stability and peace of mind, preferably a business owner, since it takes a lot to be in business successfully and they know from whence they speak.

Now, what I've mentioned here is a start. It BARELY scratches the surface, but if you really want to get out of what you've gotten yourself into then it's time you take some pretty drastic measures. You may lose your house. That's fine. Move into a cheap apartment for a while, or if you can, move to a more inexpensive part of the country. (I know this isn't always an option.) You may lose your car. That's fine, find something cheap and reliable, something you can pay off comfortably in no more than 1 year.

Finally, don't be afraid to talk to your creditors. They usually have a lot of experience dealing with what you're seeing for the first (or second) time and can offer advice into how to help. Trust me, foreclosure is something banks would rather NOT have to deal with, since it costs them a lot of money. (I know about this first hand: I work for a company that develops financial tracking software for housing and finance companies, and I see this from the inside. It usually costs banks a fair amount to foreclose. To them it's a question of where are they going to lose less money: leaving the house to you or paying lawyers to go through the legal work required to foreclose? In either case, they still lose money, foreclosure is just them trying to cut their losses.)

Remember: the man may be the head of the household, but the woman's the neck. Wherever the neck turns the head will look, and wherever the head looks the body will follow. You have much more power than you realize.

P.S.
Read copper and auburn's comments again. They're good. Very good. Auburn's point especially, since self esteem usually is at the root of most of these problems. It's hard to see that when the world is seemingly crumbling around you, but it's true: your mind is a very powerful thing, and for good or ill it WILL define your reality. You may want to read the book "The Greatest Miracle in the World" by "Og Mandino" (also "The Greatest Salesman in the World").

Good luck.

Someone once told me, if their is more bad than good make changes quickly.

I took that advice, I'm glad i did.

Keep in mind, (you cannot change a person if they are not open to change.)

- RR