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I am confused after a breakup and need some advice
Written By frog on Feb. 25, 2008.
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I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and have spent many hours thinking about it. We lived 2-3 hrs apart and he would travel to see me at weekends. We had a great relationship, no secrets and got on fine for the first 2 years. He then got busier and busier at work, and stopped paying attention when we were talking to each other. It became more of a I am talking to myself type conversation. I have raised this time and time again and there was no change. And then one day when we (or in fact I) was saying something for 20 mins with some nods from him, he said, what you are talking about is unimportant, I have better things to think about. While I have no problem with him being busy at work, I would rather he said can we talk about my stuff, or even I have to think about something else right now, can we talk later, than to not pay any attention then cut me off. This carried on. And then there was this spell when he had to work really hard, so he didn't ring for 3 weeks, I called and essentially would be told he has to work. Is it unreasonable of me to expect say even a brief 1-2 mins phone call just to say how are you? I started feeling I was very much just taken for granted and not cared for at all. He said that was not the case but didn't do anything differently. I tried to talk about it but he was perhaps too tired to listen, or to talk or to pay any attention, in any case, this carried on for a few months. After which, I have had enough and broke up with him. He was v shocked and hurt at that time, and tried to get back together, but I didn't have any love left in reserve to be forgiving and all that. we talked intermittently for a few months, and it took maybe 4 months before we can actually talk properly about it, and he now realised why I was so upset and I know why he was so tired and we both knew what needed to be fixed. however he has also started dating someone else that same week we finally talked. I think in the end we were both at fault, and I supposed I should just move on as he is obviously now unavailable. I still miss him though. Was I being unreasonable to break up with him when I did? How do I move on? I do all the keep myself busy with other activities and stuff, but there are unoccupied times like walking places, waiting for the elevator etc when I automatically start thinking about him. I can rationale in my head that he is not available and so I should just forget about it, but how do I actually forget? How do I know when I am ready to think about another relationship? Thanks for reading so far.
joshawesome
Written Feb. 25, 2008 / Report /
I was in a somewhat similar situation with an ex before. That kind of break up is hard to get over. I would spend my time trying not to think about her. We would talk occasionally and we sometimes talked about getting back together, but by that time I had moved back home clear across the country.
I took it hard when I found out she had started seeing someone else.
It's been almost 2 years since we broke up. I'm now engaged to an amazing and wonderful person. But I admit, I still think about my ex. Although, not in the same way I used to. I don't think I could ever forget her, but my feelings toward the situation and her have changed tremendously. Time is really the only thing that will help.
As for knowing when you're ready for another relationship, I don't think you'll know until you try it out. I wouldn't jump into anything serious. A couple dates here and there. You'll realize whether or not you're ready for another relationship or if you need more time.
auburn
Written Feb. 25, 2008 / Report /
That 'final talk' should have been months before, huh. Now you understand better what was going on or rather not going on. I strongly agree with you on one point though; life is a balancing act and to have work take over other parts of your life (your relationship with him) with no explanation is downright mean and unthinking. You deserve better. You weren't unreasonable in ending the relationship but the unanticipated times of thinking and missing him is part of the grieving process.
maxwong
Written Feb. 25, 2008 / Report /
I am in a similar situation now.I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years.It's quite a long time relationship.As joshawesome says, Time is really the only thing that will help.We can get through it.
leliathomas
Written Feb. 25, 2008 / Report /
I think you did the right thing, and as others have said, only time can do the real healing for you. To me, despite his upset when you broke up with him, it seems like he had lost interest. That's a really hard pill to swallow, but when that occurs, it needs to be something that is seen and unfortunately accepted, so you can move on, knowing fully that you can find better.
The fact that he is dating someone else now says to me that he has, indeed, moved on (pretty quick for the person who was so upset). He found someone else to be with before even clearing the air with you. There's nothing wrong with this; it just proves where he stands. And, likewise, to an extent, it should allow you to feel that much more like things are finalized.
You'll know when you're ready for a new relationship, because you'll meet someone you want to be with who also wants to be with you. Don't go looking for it, as you don't have to be with someone; it'll come 'round eventually. In the meantime, enjoy some time to yourself and be thankful that the turmoil of dealing with a rocky relationship and the disappointment of not being listened to are now things of the past. You can also feel confident that you've learned something from this experience, that it's paramount for both people in a relationship to be open and honest and willing to work on problems that occur. Only then do things work out!
frog
Written Feb. 26, 2008 / Report /
Thank you for your responses, it really helps to just get it out. Actually the final talk happened just after Christmas last year when he didn't show up. He spent the day with the new girlfriend instead. and although he said he was thinking of me the entire time while he was with her, his choice was obvious. Whether it was me pushing him away or him losing interest is insignificant, as there is obviously no committment to repair what was left. In a way it would probably be easier to move on if we didn't have the final talk, to finally understand what needed to be fixed to make it all good again, to be told that he is dating someone else.
Clarkey
Written Feb. 27, 2008 / Report /
I agree a lot with leliathomas, I also think that if you gave yourself as much effort and attention and sense of value as you gave him the healing process will be all the more quicker.
Where the focus goes the energy flows. I would focus more on how amazing you are than anything else and set yourself some new goals.
As for forgetting, why should you? It happened, there were no doubt good times and overall there will be things you can take from your experience that are positive. For example, I bet you have a stronger sense of what you will and won't accept in future, particularly when it comes to being listened to, so that's good.
We all do what we think is best in the circumstances and if we don't like the results then it's up to us to do things differently. That includes consciously deciding how to feel. I know you are bound to feel upset but it doesn't have to follow that it will take months and months to get over it.
Be glad of the opportunity to find the one. He wasn't it.
Jessy1002
Written Mar. 13, 2008 / Report /
good for you for breaking up with him. NO one deserves to take the back burner when it comes to the person who is supposed to be treating the the best, and who you are supposed to be most important to.
And yes...he is unavailable now...and that is because he is the wrong person for the time being. Who knows, maybe 5 years from now you will be able to come together...but for now, enjoy yourself, and realize the value of yourself.