Chixe

I don't really know you at all, but you haven't lost an ounce of respect from me. All I've got to say is that Yay Hooray doesn't seem to be the kind of place this stuff should be publicized at. It seems to me like just another place filled with inside jokes and disrespect. I've never been there but I've seen dozens of other forums that are the exact same thing.

Good luck, you two.

Given the relationship lasts that long. I don't know how you can propose to someone you have never met. Are today's youth living in a fantasy world?

RoseDesRochers: Think about it as arranged marriages in the cyber age. Except they're not arranged by the families, but by total strangers. Still, I'll be willing to bet the interactions are rather similar.

We haven't met each other YET. And that's the keyword, Rose. YET. We plan to meet and we plan to do so very soon.

Weren't you all hung up over some Miranda girl a while ago? And now you're proposing to some girl you've never met? Trust me man, this really doesn't sound like the greatest idea.

I see this ending in a cacophony of pain and tears.

sever now and nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Sorry I don't want to think about it as arranged marriages in the cyber age. I think it as two teens foolishly talking about marriage.

We are not foolish. I am so disappointed in the my.9r members who oppose this (you'll notice that the 9rules members haven't given any disapproval in this note or the engagement note).

Edit: Okay, I've seen one in this note after re-reading the comments. But that doesn't mean that I am lacking disappointment in the nay sayers.

Even though I'd think that online dating is potentially less stable and more unpredictable than old-fashioned in-the-flesh relationships, I wouldn't condemn your decision. But it does sound very risky. And for your own sake I'd take a moment to think that it only took a note to brake it off (if you're not surfing for advice, just ignore this).

@Alday
Props on the aliens reference.

Dude. I'm going to be honest. (You may want to take cover.) You're acting like a fool. Not about the marriage thing - you've had enough opinions about that - but your reaction our responses.

How can you come in here, as a complete newbie, tell us all about your engagement, then announce that it's broken off, and then have the nerve to say that you are disappointed about... what? The fact that we all have opinions? The fact that we're being honest with you?

I don't think your understanding of this whole "forum" thing is up to scratch. So let me fill you in.

Step 1: You make a topic. In your case, about your engagement being broken off. You link to your blog too.

Step 2: We read what you write, some of us go read your blog too.

Step 3: We offer our congratulations, thoughts, opinions.

Step 4: You don't whine about it.

You asked for this. Yo got it. You have no room for complaint or "disappointment". The fact that you expected 100% positive feedback, and are now disappointed that you didn't get it, is quite frankly ludicrous.

To be perfectly honest, I think you should be grateful that we were nice about it as we were. I can only speak for myself here, but I've been a lot more gracious on this subject than my initial reaction was to be, and I doubt I'm the only one holding my tongue.

No, I am not disappointed in that. I believe that having your own opinion is a good thing. But to say that my relationship will fail just because it doesn't exactly fit in with the status quo is not pretty nice. I can tell you a million reasons why marriages don't work out but I have decided to hold my tongue in this manner. I am disappointed in the fact that my relationship is just being pre-judged by people. THAT is what I am disappointed in.

You're the second person I've said this to already this week: Welcome to the internet!

You gave people the means to pass judgement by starting the threads. Not everybody is going to agree with you and because this is an open forum, chances are they're going to give you that feedback.

You're right. Marriages even when people have known people for decades before they marry. That does not mean that not meeting somebody right up until you're going to marry them, guarantees you success.

I'm not saying it would be destined for instant destruction, but it's my opinion that you really should love somebody before you even agree to marry them. As much as you can chat with people online, it's not the same as sitting there with them, face to face and flirting, joking, arguing and just discussing things. There is so much you learn about somebody in a face-to-face conversation that you just can't get any other way.

I'm also a keep supporter of sex before marriage. I think that's an important factor of getting to know somebody: physically.

But hey, you're free to do what you like just as we're free to comment if you start the conversation.

The most impressive part of that was that you managed to work sex into it. Kudos.

I'm in total agreeance with Rich here, and I'm glad he wrote all that so I didn't have to :P

Just because your 'relationship' doesn't meet the 'status quo' of normal people so to speak, doesn't mean that it can't be real, and that long distance relationships can't be real, but you two have never met! I can't even imagine the train of thought you have defending yourself here.

Sending pictures over the internet does not mean that the person is exactly that. *not even going to mention video game marriages*

And again to reinforce, what did you think was going to happen when you posted this on the internet?

There's an element here that a lot of you are missing... 15art is 19 and his ex-fiance is 16.

Discuss :)

Kyle,

First, take a deep breath, things really aren't that bad where you are. The bitter Calgary winter is behind you and spring is well on its way. While I am now in my 30s, I do remember the heart-ache of my late teens and early twenties. I survived an 'old-fashioned' long-distance relationship and eventually married the guy. By 'old-fashioned' I mean that we met (in person) while I was working in BC during the summer. We dated for 2 months but at the end of the summer, I returned to university in Ontario. We spoke on the phone weekly, e-mailed daily, and flew across the country to visit each other every other month. I can't say exactly why it worked, but it did and we've been together for 10 years (married for 7).

As others have suggested, there is really no substitute for meeting a person face-to-face and "dating." Skipping this stage and going straight for marriage is doing yourself (and your gf) a huge disservice. Worse, you may find that when you actually meet the connection you had online just isn't there. So, my advice is to slow down a little and enjoy all that you have. Specifically, forget about moving to London immediately and plan a one-week trip to visit instead. There are cheap tickets from Calgary and you can probably find cheap accommodations at a youth hostle. You'll need much less money to do this and you'll have a great chance to meet this young woman and her family in person. Worst case, you'll get to see the sights of London; best case, when you return to Calgary you'll be able to say that you and your gf have actually met. If the two of you are still talking after your one-week visit, then you can make plans for another visit.

Good luck,
Mary

Well said Oil.

Rose, you need to take life less seriously and REALLY lose the chip on your shoulder...

I personally know several couples that are happily married and who met online so to claim that people who propose to online 'partner's' are living in a fantasy world is just an attempt to be abrasive for the heck of it.

Abrasive for the heck of it? Not necessarily.

Naive? Absolutely.

It's a new world out there ladies and gents. This kind of thing isn't uncommon. Why do you think places like eHarmony (and even MySpace) are so successful? The internet relationship scene is in full force. And why not? Isn't that sort of what the internet does? Bring people together?

Seriously, I'm not interested in the fact that these two love birds met on the internet (or that they haven't met at all). More power to them, I say.

What irks me is that he's 19 and she's 16. Now, 19 is a fine age to get married. I got married at 22, and that's not much different. However, SHE'S 16! Suspend the fact that (where I'm from) that would be illegal, and let's just focus on the age gap.

15art: You've said repeatedly (on your blog) that 3 years isn't a huge gap. While 3 years isn't a big gap compared to 6 or 10, it's HUGE at that age. The differences between a person of 16 and that same person at 19 are vast. They're important years of growth for a person. You may not change much from 19 to 22, but I guarantee you she's going to be a different person when she's 19.

I just recommend that you think about it, and move a little slower.

I guess I missed that part... but I agree with joe, 3 years isn't much but 16 <> 19 vs 35 <> 38 is a HUGE difference.

Precisely

Don't forget the billboards that said, "If you're 19, and she's 15, it's rape."

15art, that is in no way directed at you or your relationship, just adding on to what RightOn was illustrating about the year differences related to age.

Bartoneus: Keep in mind it's an international relationship. I don't know what all the laws are on statutory in different countries, so I left that part out of my tirade.

16 is cool here. You're legal at 16.

I'm pretty sure you could get married with your parents' (or parent's; not sure) permission.

Still, my argument was not of a legal nature

Yeah it would be legal with parental consent but would your parents let you marry somebody who you'd never met? Hell no.

There just isn't a online substitute for meeting somebody face to face. I think you really should know and really should love somebody before you get married and you shouldn't use it just to bind yourself to somebody you've met online.

I don't have as much an issue with the age gap as joenewbreed. Yeah it's large but so is 30-to-60 and that still happens. If she's happy with it and he's happy with it, what's the issue?

...a 30 year old is not a child.

Exactly. It's not the age gap, really... It's HER AGE. Did you know what you wanted at 16? More to the point, is what you want NOW or even at 19 the same as it was when you were 16? When I was 16, I was really into the idea of being the lead guitarist for a metal band, never having a "real job", and traveling all around the US, playing a show per night, and marrying my current girlfriend. I'm 23 now, I work at a desk for "The Man", married to a wonderful woman (the 4th girl I've dated since I was 16), and never want to leave my apartment. I couldn't be happier. See where I'm coming from?

I think that a few of you have forgotten how much you thought you knew when you were 16-19. Sadly, halcyon days of youth are relative.

To me, the issue here is not about age, but about being patient and finding the right person.

No, a 30 year old isn't a child but neither is a 16 year old when they need permission from parents. It's a unit that makes that decision.

Righton accuse me? I have no chip on my shoulder and why are you jumping me? I have no problem with people meeting online and falling in love. I do have an opinion on a 16 and 19 year old talking marriage, so I believe that you were too quick to jump without knowing the facts.

15art, I've checked all judgments and biases at the door, and now I'm going to give you my opinion. I hope you'll at least read it and try to take it for what it's worth.

You are old enough to know what you want, as is your girlfriend. I remember exactly what it was like to be 16 and 19 (I'm 23 now) and I know that feelings are strong and they're real. Not questioning that. The problem is that people change. I can't speak for either of you, personally, but I can say that almost everyone I know changed in some pretty big ways in the last 4-7 years.

When it comes to relationships, it's very difficult to know what you want when you're 16. Love is strong and can be blinding. This is compounded by the fact that, insofar as I understand it, your girlfriend (and possibly you) doesn't live on her own. Taking on the responsibilities of marriage AND the responsibilities of being independent are huge. People grow a lot when they move out and, though you may hate to hear it, you two might find yourselves growing apart before you can ever grow together.

I know this from experience. I got married when I was barely 19 to a man I had dated for 2 years. We were in love and I thought life was going to be grand. But we did, indeed, grow apart. He couldn't handle the responsibility of being on his own and I couldn't help him grow up while I was doing so myself. They say that love is not enough and they are right. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm living proof. And though this kind of advice is painful, it is nothing compared to the agony of the realization that you have fallen out of love with your spouse. Trust me.

That said, plenty of young couples make it work. Plenty of people who meet online make it work. My parents married when they were 18 and have been married for 35 years this summer. The last four family weddings I've attended were in celebration of couples who met online. It can happen and it's beautiful when it does. Just don't rush it. After all, if you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life, what does it matter if you get married in 2008 or 2010?

Erin is 100 % right. At 16 it is hard to know what you want out of life little alone love, but that does not mean the feelings are not real or should be dismissed. I got married just before my 20th birthday. My husband was 18. This April marks 18 years of marriage. But it takes a lot of hard work and most teenage marriages do fail. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but I just think you should both meet in person first, give a relationship a few years before talking marriage. Get to know each other off line first.

Ditto from here. Please listen to what RoseDesRochers wrote. Meet in person and have a trusting relationship first. Grow and laugh together. Strongly encourage her to finish high school then hopefully both of you can make plans.

It looks like this saga has come to a predictable conclusion...

http://thedarkestevil.com/that-other-life/583-on-hiatus-for-a-while/