Chixe

I don't know if my wife is quite as dissatisfied in the relationship as I am so she may or may not be happy with the marriage still.

I think the first step would be to talk to her about it. Because it appears obvious that you don't communicate with her at all. It also appears that she is depressed and needs someone to talk to. As her husband, that's your job. You don't seem to have much faith in her either, and that probably isn't making things easier for her.

I hate to be banal, but it's a two-way street. You can't expect her to work to make you happy, when you don't do the same for her.

Getting married at 20 probably wasn't the best idea either but I'm sure you've figured that out by now.

For the love of all things good talk to her about it.

From your post there's quite a lot of evidence that you're not talking about it. "I don't know if my wife is quite as dissatisfied," "I secretly," "there is no desire to talk to each other." Obviously there is that desire, even if it's buried in you, or you wouldn't bother posting about this.

Marriages aren't all fun and games, they're not all happy and flower, they require work. You've identified the problem, but it takes two to actually begin addressing them.

I know it may be extremely hard, but if you want to fix things, you have to take the steps to do so. Set aside some time, talk to her. You may not understand some things, she may not understand some things. It could be very simple to address, it could be hard, it could be impossible, but you have to try. You might fight when you start opening up and talking about what's wrong, and what you both need, but that's ok. It's important to try and stay level headed, but it's more important to be honest. If you're angry, that's ok... just make sure she knows you want to work on it and get to a better place.

She's in a bad mood about work and stress, try to find things that can help take some of the load off her shoulders and alleviate the stress. It could be as simple as doing some chores, or giving her a massage. Try to lighten the mood. Set aside some time to have a date night, or lunch. I'm sure you're already looking at relationship tips. Sometimes the simplest things can start helping.

This happens very frequently. If we don't talk about things, we assume the worst. Not talking about them for long periods of times makes the issues worse than they started. It feeds on itself. While assuming the worst we put ourselves in bad places in our head which lead to more stress, paranoia, depression. When we don't feel happy, don't feel we're getting what we want or deserve we try to assign blame. No matter where you assign it, it's not good. It's not important either. What is important is telling her how you feel, and that you want to make things better. You may not no how, but you want to and are going to try.

You both need time alone, and time together throughout each week. You may have to really change your routines (which is healthy anyway... ruts suck.)

I hope some of this helps. The most important things again are to be honest (to your mate and yourself,) talk about it, and commit to working to make life better for yourself and for your mate. If you can both do that, you'll get through this and be stronger than you ever were before.

Jensized is right. Two-way street, share and share alike. You guys need to talk to each other openly about what's going on.

Instead of you doing your thing and expecting her to be satisfied, and her possibly doing the same to you, each of you should be looking for how they can help the other meet that person's needs. You'll meet in the middle. Selflessness instead of selfishness.

You are two people trying to be one. There's bound to be friction. Selflessness tends to be the lubricant between the two. :)

So far some great advise. I more or less already knew I would need to talk with her about this stuff. Just needed a push in the right direction I suppose. I am REALLY scared to talk with her for some reason. I feel like the whole thing is all my fault because I am such a closed up person. I just don't want to see her upset about how I feel but I know she really needs to know. I ended the emotional affiar yesturday, telling the woman I can't continue and need to remind myself of why I married my wife. I more or less need to find a good time to talk with her and have some sort of outline of things i need to say. I have a hard time vocalizing my opinions but can be a poet on paper.

I would say since work is stressing her out a sweet gesture like rubbing her feet when she comes home or bringing her flowers would be a good way to break the ice.

anonymousJ, the reason(s) why you might be scared to talk to her might be dual-fold. Or even more than that. Have you had reactions from her during your conversations with her that for some reason make you scared? Or are you simply a shy person who tends to turn inward and have problems expressing things outwardly? Or, of course, it could be a little of both and even some reasons I haven't mentioned.

Communicating with her (and this doesn't mean just verbally) will be an on-going practice that will tend to get better the more you try it. It's integral in any relationship, not just a marriage--but I would say it's the most important ingredient in a marriage. It won't be easy every time you have an exchange but the point is is that you two are trying in the process. If both of you are trying, it will get better.

I applaud you for ending that emotional relationship, btw. It's an important step, and you proved that you are really committed to your wife.

If you get discouraged by a reaction from her that isn't what you had hoped, I would encourage you to keep pressing on and keep plugging away. It seems as though you listen to her needs but please don't shut down if you get overwhelmed. Identify your feelings to her and give her a chance to consider them. Indeed, it's a two-way street.

:)

I agree you have to talk to her no matter how ugly it might get that is how people heal. My husband and I always talk when things start to get strained, it's uncomfortable and can be draining but it keeps us strong.

Women just want to be appreciated, little things make all of the difference like coming up behind her rubbing her shoulders and kissing on the back of the neck. Sharing your day with her by telling her some things that happened to you in the day. If she cooks dinner say thank you and comment on what you think of the meal. Come home with a big smile on your face and give her a kiss. My husband is one that sees when I am stressed so he goes out of his way to book a back massage for me at the spa. A good marriage takes work on both sides, you have to constantly pull out the weeds to ensure harmony.

You may want to consider seeing a marriage counselor, sometimes it's easier to let it all out with the help of an unbiased 3rd person.

They say that the hardest part of a marriage is the first 5 years, and this is why: despite having dated for 4 years, being married is different and, as daxgti said, there is a significant amount of friction. For 19/20 years, you both dealt only with your own needs, your own habits, your own routines. Now you are a single unit, and that is hard. It leads to division, misunderstandings, and problems. But they're all surmountable.

As everyone has said, talk to her. If you still love her and want the marriage to work (which it appears you do), then give it a show. I know it's scary, but the return on investment is huge. Once you've identified problems together, look for solutions. As people have already said, if she's stressed out, do something that will de-stress her. Give her a massage while you watch a TV show together, make her dinner, etc. Whatever works for her. And don't hesitate to tell her what you need, either. You guys are in this together.

I just want to add one thing to the discussion: stop putting videogames like WoW ahead of your wife. She's probably jealous of all the attention you give that game and she just hasn't told you. You need to talk to her and find out what you can do differently to make her feel appreciated.

I need to make one thing clear. I never said she doesnt feel appreciated. I really do appreciate the things she does and I never put WoW in front of her. I use it as a replacement of the fun lacking in the relationship to give ME balence. Like I said in my original post, I don't know if she even is unhappy in the relationship and it just might be me. I fell out of love with her and I want to find a way to voice how I feel to her and salvage the relationship.

Then go talk to her and do your best. Good luck.

Thanks for the support folks and the guidence.

She is a very needy person and it seems she refuses to do anything alone. She can't even order a pizza. She also gets sick a lot and is always stressed out about something, even shit as piddly as worrying about a haircut she might get in a month. I feel like the only reason I am staying with her is out of obligation to support her.

I'm saying this a lot lately, but that's a sign of emotional dependency. If you address the emotional dependency everything she does will be different, because she will become an emotionally responsible person. The reaction to your feelings would be like night and day between her being emotionally dependent vs. emotionally responsible.

There are many articles on the internet about emotional dependency. Once she is emotionally responsible that obligation and worry about her depending on you will subside and the both of you can deal with the true issues at hand.

If you decide not to deal with the emotional dependency there will never be a good time to give bad news. Delaying it doesn't help her, it hurts her but there is a way to do it. Her dependency will most likely make the situation worse but like everyone said, it's a conversation you need to have (and I realize you don't want to hurt her - it sucks hurting someone you care about).

Just passing along what I learned from talking to a trained professional about an emotionally dependent person in my life.

Good luck with your situation. :)

Getting married at 20 probably wasn't the best idea either but I'm sure you've figured that out by now.

I wasn't going to chime in, but I hate when people say stuff like this. I got married at 21 and have been happily married for over 5 years now. It has nothing to do with how old you are when you get married.. but it has everything to do with what you put into it.

I don't care if you're 18 or 56, if both of you refuse to get off your butt and do anything about your relationship... it's going to die a slow and painful death. Sure, marriage is tough. But I've always been of the belief that if you fell in love once, then you can do it again... you just have to work at it.

Good point, Tyme, on identifying what could potentially be emotional dependence. I'll second that.

Well, no one can really tell you what to do. We can all give you our opinion on how to handle it but you have to decide what makes the most sense for you. Or what you're willing to do.

Relationships are hard as hell; there's no sugar-coating that fact. I have a couple close friends who are in similar situations where they feel like they're growing apart from their spouse.

One of the main things I can offer you is this: relationships are always changing.

I've been with my partner for many moons now and, when I look back on our time together, there are clearly different eras in our life together. The young love era, the learning to live together era, the learning to communicate era, the remembering why we fell in love era, etc. I think it's really easy to sit back and say, "well things aren't like they used to be, and that's bad". In actuality, that's good. We as individuals are constantly learning, growing and evolving -- if our relationships remained as is they'd quickly stagnate and collapse. You just have to learn to adapt to each era and find common ground. The real problem is when two people are growing at different rates.

The best thing you can do in any relationship is try to put yourself in your mate's shoes.

I can tell you that what's important to me at 27-years-old doesn't even begin to resemble what was a priority to me at 20 or even 22. You are both in the period of your lives that will ultimately shape who you are as adults. I think the period between high school and your mid-twenties is probably the most painful because of explosive growth and self realization. You're answering a lot of serious questions: who am I? What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to live? How do I pay my rent? If you tack on the responsibility of a marriage, that's going to just make everything seem more intense. I imagine that's a lot of what your wife feels. Maybe her job isn't as terrible as it sounds and maybe it is but, if you add in the fact that she's probably still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life, she's probably overwhelmed. Add onto that the fact that you're not close anymore and she also feels isolated and overwhelmed.

If you want an honest opinion on what to do to make it better, here's what I'd do: since your wife sounds like she's suffering from depression, which isn't made any better by sticking to the same routine and going to bed alone every night, I'd shake things up by making a grand gesture. Do something to let her know you love her, you're devoted to her and you want to be her best friend. I'm not talking about spending a lot of money or a lot of prep work, but you could do something as simple as recreating your first date (or visiting the restaurant where it happened) and asking for a fresh start. Make her a card by hand that lists all of the reasons you fell in love with her (which may help you just as much). Instead of going straight home, take her to dinner and movie, even if she protests. Give her a blank journal and tell her you're going to help her fill it up by creating a lifetime of memories with her. Heck, just take her out for a walk - no talking necessary. Just do things for her that show her she's the most important part of your life.

Talking to her about the problems in your relationship doesn't have to be fuel for the fire or a cause of a fight. Do something that shows her how special she is to you. Before you do it, tell her you know things have been strained but you want to get them back on the right track. If she doesn't feel like it's a personal attack, then there's no reason to argue. If you approach this as a common goal, then it's something you can work on together. No distractions.

One thing I've learned in my own relationship is that I'm never happy unless I'm really working hard to make Brian happy. When I go out of my way to show him that I love him, it's comes back to me in spades. If I'm having a hard time at work and I withdraw, it's easy for Brian to withdraw as well over time. So, if you want your wife to be passionate to rekindle the romance, you need to put your best foot forward and do it for her.

You made a vow to your wife to love and cherish her. You need to remember that. When you have emotional affairs outside of your relationship, you're failing as a husband. that 5 or 10% of yourself you're giving to someone else belongs to your wife. You owe it to her to give her 100% of you, because you expect it in return. You're never going to be in a relationship where things are wonderful all of the time, but the work is worth the return. I think you're wanting to hear it's okay to give up, and I can't tell you that. All I can tell you is that you married your wife for a reason - try to remember why and try to find a way to connect to that same girl, just on another level.

If you want things to work out, them make them work out. If you don't want them to work out then you'll have plenty of reasons why the relationship was doomed and it was out of your hands (you've made quite a good case for yourself here already).

It sounds to me like you both have a lot of individual things to see to, as well as couple issues. I'll try to take each part of what you say and help you alone there. Sorry if any of my advice is a repeat of some said before!

My wife and I are highschool sweathearts.

I think there are two kinds of high school sweethearts, those who were mature in high school and already had somewhat of an idea of the people they were going to become, and those who were the average high schoolers, living a bit in the clouds and not thinking at all about the future. I don't know which you and your wife were, but I would guess the second, because it sounds to me like now that you are both married, you're finding out things about each other that you should have already had an idea about. This makes things difficult, I would imagine, because I'm sure you look back on how things were, but I am guessing things were not very realistic or responsible, so now the reality and responsibility are here, but gone are the supposed "good times."

This will make things difficult for you both, because as well as having to deal with your own issues, you will probably have to rediscover each other, because it doesn't sound like you guys had a realistic viewpoint of each other or how marriage would be, when you set out on this venture.

My wife is always in a bad mood about work and stress.

What is her job? Why doesn't she work toward another job and/or career if she is stressed and dislikes the one she is in? Have you encouraged her to do this?

Our nightly routine has become us coming home from work. We eat dinner. One watches TV and the other gets on the computer and there is no desire to talk to each other.

Sometimes there is no desire to do something until someone takes the initiative to start things off. Considering you play games, and your wife watches television, neither of you is so tired that you couldn't speak to each other. Ask the simple questions: How was your day? etc. Say nice things to each other, so long as they are true. Better prioritize your time and efforts, and you will both find things more enjoyable then.

So basically we never see each other through the week and have the weekends together, which are usually full of stupid fights and arguements about nothing important.

I dislike when people say these sorts of things, because if just one person in the relationship realizes the argument is not worth having, he or she can put a stop to it, or at least keep it from escalating, and say just as much. If it is a truly stupid fight, you need to say as much--"I don't think this is worth fighting over, so I'm not going to argue with you."

I have adapted to replace the things she offers me with other things.

I sense a lack of communication here. Have you both communicated your wants and needs to each other? If not, perhaps you are not the only one adapting.

We only have sex like 1 time a week, when it used to be almost every day.

Obviously, a healthier relationship might lead to a more active sex life, but I don't think people should be under the impression that their sex lives don't change throughout the course of their relationship. Don't be under the impression, perhaps, that just once things are set right, it will all go back to how things were when you were younger. It won't, at least not in the same way. That was then, this is now.

What you didn't state was the quality of the physical relationship, which is pretty negative way of viewing your sex life, no matter how many times you're having sex a week. Quantity is irrelevant if the quality is terrible due to emotional issues that are going on between you two all the time.

Instead of trying to have fun with her I play video games, like World of Warcraft. I have also had a very serious emotional affair to fill the void of emotional closeness lacking in my marriage. So basically I take care of myself and can honestly picture my life without my wife.

Both of these things are entirely your choice and your responsibility. Your wife has not made you do either, so do not blame her or begin to believe that her influence is so great that she has caused these things. You have, and you can change them to make things better in your relationship.

Quit playing WoW. You should not be playing WoW if you think your marriage is crumbling. That is terrible. Your marriage is worth more than that. And, as another user said, I am sure your wife is jealous that you are playing games, rather than spending time with her. Playing games sometimes, or together, can be great, but not when your marriage is going down the drain. It is the equivalent to you feeling jealous and frustrated that she watches television, rather than talking or spending time with you.

As for the emotional affair: that, too, is terrible and irresponsible. It shows a deep uncaring attitude toward your wife's feelings. And the key word is affair. Throughout this entire post, you make it sound as if your wife is paying no mind to your feelings and needs. However true that may or may not be, I wonder, has she had an emotional affair, and how would you feel if she did? Considering it sounds like you are putting in only as much effort as she is, is she, too, allowed to have emotional affairs? I should hope you would not want that.

One thing you did not say...have you ended the emotional affair? You owe it to your marriage to do so right this very second, and to not look back.

I don't know if my wife is quite as dissatisfied in the relationship as I am so she may or may not be happy with the marriage still.

I think this is a very naive statement. I am sure that she realizes something is up if you don't talk to her, if you stay up to play WoW instead of come to bed with her (which, hey, might lead to something else that you want!), and if at least some of your emotions have been tied up with some other woman. Your wife is a thinking, feeling human being too, so I am sure she is not blissfully unaware of the tension and problems in your marriage. She may be just like you are, though--unable to communicate the problems. Perhaps she is afraid to, for fear you would leave her. I think that is possible, if she is very emotionally dependent and easily stressed.

She is a very needy person and it seems she refuses to do anything alone. She can't even order a pizza. She also gets sick a lot and is always stressed out about something, even shit as piddly as worrying about a haircut she might get in a month. I feel like the only reason I am staying with her is out of obligation to support her. I still love her, but am far from "in" love with her. I am afraid to bring anything up with her because she gets too emotional and irrational. I just don't think she can handle the conversations maturely. Plus, she leans on me so much and I can't bring myself to pulling out her foundation.

I agree with Tyme that this sounds very emotionally dependent, but I cannot say that surprises me. Given that it sounds as though you were both unrealistic about your futures, as high school teens, she has pretty much gone from depending on her family to depending on you, with nothing in between. She has never experienced independence. (Have you?) Some people find it very difficult to balance their independence with their relationship, but it has to be done. She is 20 or so, and you are just a bit older; it sounds like you both have a lot of personal soul-searching to do.

If you are truly concerned about speaking with her, due to irrational feelings toward anything you say, seek out a marriage counselor. And, if your wife is not willing to go, go to the marriage counselor yourself. This will prove to your wife that you are very dedicated to making things better, and she will likely come with you eventually. It takes work, though, especially since you both have let things slide to the point that they have. Neither of you should have let things go for as long as they have, to the point that neither of you is talking (or, if you are, you're only fighting) and you are having an emotional affair.

Here is my full advice, in condensed form:

• Take two weeks to a month where neither of you watches any television or uses the computer for anything outside of necessary business transactions. Instead of spending your time doing those things, go somewhere together (movies, park, etc.), stay at home and talk, or work on something together.
• Do little things to remind your wife that you are there for her and that she matters. She will be encouraged and inspired to do the same for you.
• Encourage your wife to get involved in some of her interests, so she can begin to learn more about herself. This will help her become more independent, more aware of herself, and perhaps even help her rise out of the job she dislikes. Do this yourself, too.
• COMMUNICATE, and if you have trouble doing so, find a marriage counselor.
• Change your thinking from "Why isn't my wife doing this?" to "Why am I not doing this for my wife?" The greatest way to inspire someone to be a certain way is to show them the kind of person you want them to be, by being that person.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck. There is no reason a relationship cannot work between two loving people, but there is every reason in the world for it not to work, if neither person is contributing or communicating.

Ok. Yesturday went really well. I didn't bring up any of my feelings, but I put a lot more effort into things. I brought her home some flowers to show her I was thinking about her. Then I took her out for dinner. I told her that we needed to start dating again. (not other people, but each other). When I mean start dating again, I mean put ourselves back in that mentallity. I explained how we were so much more affectionate when we were dating, not just sexually but overall. We cared so much more for each other and put each other in front of all else. Since we've been married we both have been focusing more on work, bills, and so on and kind of lost track. We can't drop our responsibilities but we need to bring focus on what is really important in life.
I know its only been one day, but I see a spark left. I was reminded how fun of a person she can be to hang out with. If I am able to change how I feel about her without rocking the boat that is what i would prefer to do. I need to force myself to take inititive on making this relationship work because I think the bulk of the problems might be in myself. I am going to start communicating with her more. If I can bury my feelings I had yesturday and change , I see no reason why she needs to know how I felt things we're going.

That's really fantastic, and I'm happy for you. The only thing is that it's not great to "bury" your feelings... they usually come back to bite you in the butt.

It's your first step... don't keep those bottled up for too long. You'll have to let those out for her sooner rather than later but keep going and I hope you have a positive result!

Do take initiative. Do work at it, but don't hide things.

It's a good idea to ease into it and try to be as sensitive as possible, but you shouldn't be in a situation where you are telling her half truths.

Continue working to a place where you can both be open about what you need, how you feel, etc.

But great job :) A little spark of hope can go a long way!

Sounds great, anonymousJ! :) So glad to hear...

I think what I really needed was to get my feelings out somewhere, to acknowledge that I had a problem and was willing to make a change. I have always had problems vocalizing how I feel and really need to work on that. My whole outlook with my wife is, she counts on me so much for support and staying strong which has really bogged me down. If I tell her how uneasy I am and how poorly I think of things then basically her support is weakened and she will break down more. So i bottle my true emotions to make her feel confident in me. In the long run that can hurt the relationship severly, like it was starting to. I need to find a way to help her be able to take care of herself. She needs to learn to manage her stresses. 9 time out of 10 the stuff she is stressing about are things that affect the both of us equally. I remain calm and stress free while she is worrying. I wish she could understand like I do that most of the things she worries about are no big deal at all and don't deserve even a second of her concern. I think maybe it would be a good idea to meet with some sort of counselor to get these issues on the table and get some professional guidance.

I think maybe it would be a good idea to meet with some sort of counselor to get these issues on the table and get some professional guidance.

Great idea. If you have health insurance, I'd check with your provider about your plan. A lot of people don't know about the "mental health benefits" their plan provides--and this is not accidental on the part of the insurance company. But it's best if you find out, because you don't want to be missing out. There might be some sort of co-pay they provide, an in-network vs. out-of-network amount they subsidize. :) If it's at all possible, get a recommendation. Like even if you call up a hospital network's front psychiatry office and ask them to recommend somebody is a better lead than a random pick.

Good luck!

anonymousJ: I'm glad to hear you are doing the right things.

I think a counselor would be very helpful, as long as it's someone you can trust. This is an opportunity for both of you to grow and if you are both committed to your relationship, I think you will both succeed.

But it's going to be hard! Just don't make the mistake of ever thinking that it's not going to work and giving up. I think you know already that this is definitely worth it.

Weekend update. We had a great weekend together. We went out and did things for a change. I thank approaching Halloween for the fun atmosphere and activities to do. I think what we were missing was variety. The rut we were in was deterorating the relationship. I will be out on business this whole week. I think the distance will be good for us too. Might make us miss each other.

Talk to her!

I'm glad things are going better. But you still need to talk. There shouldn't be any secrets about your relationship...

I think you're talking about the difference between being "in love" and "love". The first is controlled by hormones only and part of the early stages of a relationship. The second can last for decades but takes enormous work on both people's part. It's the relationship that grows and so do the two people. It's the invisible part that is there between paying the bills, walking the dog, putting the trash out and laundry. I'm real happy for you that you can still see the spark that was between you some time ago. Best of you to both of you!

Some of you are pinnning the blame on him. Maybe there is as usual faults on both sides.

I don't know if any of you have been through the feeling of the spouse not wanting to talk about what you want to talk about, and becoming critical of evcerything you say. Yet at the same time being dependent on you?It is draining, and not fair to expect you as a husband to just be tough and support the person.

I know ive been through 12 years of this treatment and have been really caring for my wife, and yet, she still wants me to solve her problems , then when they are solved, tells me to keep my nose out of the same thing that she begged me to rescue her out of a crisis.

She is always busy and worrying about her own worries. Excuse me, its jolly hard to be the perfect hubby when she is cutting you off.

Its no wonder why you feel like playing on your computer games, Its a way of coping.

Like I said, therese usually faults on both sides, but hey you "both" have to do something about it before your marriage dies.( in not sure if I am the best person to advise, but I can sympathise.

Klwibloke,
I think you are the first person on here that may truly understand the message I was trying to get out. I also agree that it seems mostly everyone is tacking the blame on me. I have accepted that I deserve some blame because my tendency to hide my feelings from my wife has caused a gap in communication. I think her behavior has made it easy for me to hide my feelings. I think I subconciously (though now I am aware of the feelings I don't think I technically call it subconcious thoughts) I mistrust her and her ability to handle what I think maturely. I will admit, since I first posted on here and acknowledged what I feel, I have been putting more effort into my marriage. It is a two-way street however, and until I am confident to tell my wife that things need to change, she never will change. So, the moral of the story I guess is, sure it may be both of our faults, but it is unlikely we will act simultaniously and the advice people have been giving me has helped me initiate progress on my end which hopefully in turn will give reason for my wife to meet my needs as well.

anonymousJ :
If I made it seem as though you were to blame for your marital problems, I apologize. I commend you for taking the steps to save your marriage. I think you're on the right path.

HOWEVER,

Assigning blame is pointless.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. If you recognize that there is a problem, it is your responsibility to take action to fix it. If your partner hasn't gotten the ball rolling, it's on you, or else there will never be a resolution. If you have an issue with your partner that you choose not to confront you're just as much at fault for your lack of action.

Kiwibloke, I don't feel bad for you at all. Why? Because clearly you recognize a problem, and in putting up with "this treatment" for twelve years you made a choice not to take positive action in helping you and your wife change your negative behaviors. Instead you chose finger-pointing, making excuses (i.e. "Excuse me, its jolly hard to be the perfect hubby when she is cutting you off") and passive-aggressive behavior. You have a voice. Use it to talk to your wife, not to bitch about her to the Internet.

Personally I would have put an end to the way of living before it escalated to where you are at now, however theres no turning back the time so you need to work hard at restoring the love you once felt.

If you don't want to put the effort in to save your marriage it's going to get even worse so be prepared to begin working harder and it's good to hear you have already started. If you continually put the effort in and things don't get better you need to encourage her to put the same amount of effort to what you are, you need to think of ways to do this that doesnt involve forcing her to put effort in or guilting her into putting effort in, it must come from her own heart but you need to be the catalyst to get that out of her. I think the dating thing sounds like a good idea, so buddy you prove you have the intellect to think of things you need to do so keep on that track.

Take some of the pressure off of her by doing some of the things that tend to fall under her responsibility. She may find it hard to get started because she feels so trapped but if you remove some of these worries off of her mind (even if only temporarily) you should see her start to be a bit brighter. There are a lot of dependant women out there but they tend to partner up with men who are very strong indviduals who can carry the team so to speak. You don't sound capable of doing this as you are only pretending to be strong yourself (don't get me wrong dude I don't mean this to sound like an insult) so its even more important that you work as a team.

Keep us updated and any specific questions you have just ask we can all probably help you with them.

Kudos to the other people who jumped in with their advice before me too, some very good points made so make sure you act upon their suggestions.

Until you tell your wife directly how you feel, you are responsible. If she's unaware of what the problems are, and you're not telling her, then that's an issue she can't be expected to resolve.

Reading over this thread, it seems to me like you want her to fix problems you're not communicating about and, when she doesn't, you don't want to have any accountability.

If you want the marriage to work, tell her what your issues are. She either owns up to it or not. But, at that point, she does have some responsibility, which you can hold her accountable for.