Chixe

don't forget the ipod. she needs the ipod too.

I'll give you my story because it's a bit similar. And on the off-chance that my friends reads this, please pretend you didn't. :) kthanx.

I've been friends with this girl for half my life, literally. I was infatuated with her for the first few years. I wrote my first love letter to her (I was young and trying to be romantic) and I even wrote her a love poem. Yes, I gag now but at the time, I thought I was being suave or whatever. You know, like Rico minus the "ay" at the end.

We lost touch after high school. She had started dating this guy, we both got busy with college and life. Three years later we reconnected and picked up pretty much exactly where we left off before. She's still dating the same guy though, very much in love with him. She doesn't deny that there's something between us, but again, she's with another guy. I'm not saying I'm in love with her, but I've been in a constant state of falling for her and I haven't quite reached that point yet.

A couple years ago, we talked about our relationship. She's happy with her boyfriend, I'm happy that she's happy, however, it really sucks because I want to be with her but I can't. I've obviously dated other girls, but the truth is, if she were to ever say "Hey, let's date," I would probably throw everything else out the window.

The truth is though, that I wouldn't change anything about our relationship. We're great friends and when we get the time to talk to each other, we flirt yes, but nothing has really changed.

My advice to you, tell her how you feel. I wouldn't chase after her, or pursue her, just tell her how you feel. That's really all you can do. Anything more than that is a bit overboard at this point and might ruin the friendship that you have.

I can't go back and change things so instead of just sitting here thinking about all the things I could have done differently, I just try to work on the relationships that I do have. I'm not sure about how my friends feel towards me now, but just for me I think I've become a bajillion times closer to them.

As for the girl I'm dating...well that's a more confusing situation. I'm still deeply in love with my ex, and while I can go a whole day without thinking of her now, she's still the first person I think about when something important happens. It's obvious I'm not ready for a relationship, and I'm doing my best not to turn this girl into the "rebound". She's a truly amazing person, way out of my league really. But I've done something with her that I wasn't able to do with any of the previous girls I've dated: let her in.

It's funny how the biggest reason I wanted to start dating again was because of sex but that's the last thing I think about when I'm with her. Instead, we spend a lot of time just hanging out, talking, getting to know each other. I've told her a lot of things I've never been willing to tell anyone else. Mostly, I think this new found openness comes from the uncertainty of the health issues I'm facing, but I also think that it's because I've gained a lot of confidence lately. I'm more comfortable with who I am. Also, after making the same mistake over and over again in relationships, I've finally figured out that if I truly want to be happy in a relationship, I need to not be so afraid. If I don't let a girl in the relationship most certainly won't work. If I do let her in, it can go either way, but at least the reason that it didn't work out won't be because of my lack of openness.

I am a robot.

Some people might think that because I was born a girl I have a firmer grasp on my emotions. That's not true, not by far. I've written about this very thing on my blog not too long ago. I wouldn't say that I was pressured by our culture or society to bottle up my emotions. I would say, however, that while growing up, I was surrounded by people who didn't know how to deal with emotions and so I learned to ignore them.

I would also say that because I never learned how to deal with complicated emotions, when I was faced with a hurtful situation, instead of learning from it, I pushed it further away. Anything other than "nothing" is a complicated emotion to me.

This has impacted my relationships with the people I've dated, my friends, and my family.

For a really long time I was convinced that if people didn't know the real me and I never let anyone "in", then I wouldn't get hurt and I could just live my life feeling "nothing".

Over the course of the past three months, I've learned otherwise and I've made attempts, slowly, to become more open about my issues and feelings. Being vulnerable, or even human, isn't such a bad thing. You'd be surprised how fulfilling and exciting life can be when you feel at your most vulnerable. At least for me it is, since I lived my life as a robot.

Yeah, I was a bit surprised by this. I knew that black coffee, in small amounts, was good for you. At least that is what I heard. Now I don't feel so guilty drinking coffee, although, I have to watch my heart rate so I try not to drink that much in one day.

Tyme: I haven't talked with my parents about this in a few years. My dad has made hints, and some jokes, about it recently that makes me think that he's changed his mind. However, I don't want to assume that he's ok with it. He might not be. I haven't brought it up with them recently, hoping that when they were ready they would come to me and talk about it.

However, I've had some conversations with my sister, Stephanie, about this and from the way she talks, my parents aren't in the same position they were when I first told them. However, just because they might be starting to accept it, doesn't mean they would be ok if other members of my family were to find out, such as my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. When I first told my parents, they were more concerned about what other people would think than anything else.

For the past few months, I've been struggling with whether or not to talk to my parents about this again. I'm in a position, financially, where I would be able to live without their financial support. The biggest issue was health insurance, but I have that through my job now.

I look at it this way. I've lived for almost five years as my parents wanted me to. This is going to sound really confusing...but my parents like to think of me as a lesbian. If that makes them happy, then fine. It just doesn't make me happy. I feel like I'm living the biggest lie ever.

At this point in my life, with everything that has been going on, I just don't feel like I can really continue to grow, or be happy, living as someone else. I need to live my life for me now, as the person I am. They've had plenty of time to stew over this. I've had plenty of time to realize that I can't keep doing this. Eventually, all the progress I've made, will start to reverse itself. In some ways, it already has.

I found that in general, people respect those who take a stand. They might not like the stand, and they'll fight hard against it, but in the end, if it was a true stand and not an effort to get them to fall for getting your way, they'll respect the courage of the conviction.

I think, after all is said and done, after the debris has cleared, then yes, some people will be able to respect the choice that I made. But when you're in the moment, it is something currently happening, then it is completely different.

People's first reaction is often an emotional response. It's only after the dust has settled that we can truly appreciate the logical motivations behind a situation.

Can you live, being ostracised by your family, by people around you, perhaps even risk being singled out, even harmed, in the pursuit of being true to yourself? Are you ready to step out of your comfort zone into a world with unknown consequences? Have you got all the i's dotted and the t's crossed to handle such a transition? What if your family and not you pays for the consequences of your actions?

Can I live without my family? I don't know. I've certainly not been close to them, but no matter what, if I needed them they were there. I always knew in the back of my mind that I had that safety net available to me if I ever needed it. In this case, I know I won't have it. Is it scary? Yes, it is. I've never really been alone on anything before. Will I be able to handle it? I sure hope so. I hope that I am stronger than I think I am.

If I were put in a position of being threatened or physically harmed, I would be able to take it with pride. If my family were threatened or harmed, I'm not sure what I would do. It is a possibility in this area, but I don't really think people would take it that far.

Are you ready to step out of your comfort zone into a world with unknown consequences?

Everyday I live as anyone but Josh, is a day that I live outside my comfort zone. The only time I ever feel comfortable or happy is when I'm able to be myself. Which I think is the primary motivating factor for me to do this. I've made a lot of progress the past few months, now I'm at an impasse because I can't continue to grow unless I can really be myself. It's a question of do what's right for me or do what my family (parents) want me to do for them.

@Scrivs: It's definitely up there. Everytime I go to the store, it's always gone. So it's pretty popular.

I have a few...

- Frosted Flakes
- Wheaties
- Cracklin Oat Bran
- Cocoa Puffs

I don't eat much cereal these days though. I did have Wheaties last week however. If I had more time to shop, I would eat nothing but cereal.

Now I'm really hungry. :)

I'm going to eventually try all of these for my own purposes. My sister decided that she wants empanadas. She said to me "Now all you have to do is buy all the stuff and make them." 'scuse me?

I'm going to go to the grocery store tonight and pick up some stuff. I'll try out a couple of the recipes you all suggested and see if I can convince her to do one of those.

I wouldn't have it if I didn't make it myself or if I knew that it wasn't made fresh. I've had store bought guac before, and while it's not *that* bad, why buy that when making it yourself tastes so much better. It's not like it takes forever to make it either.

boy did I get a surprise.

Of course I had to see for myself. Now I'm regretting that one.

I always wear a hat. Usually baseball caps, although I've been known to rock a fedora or two. You should totally wear the fedora out. You wouldn't look like a tool. Fedora's are back "in."

I'm alright with birthdays and anniversaries. I don't have that many to remember. Well, for the most part I'm good with birthday. I get the general date, I'm usually off by one or two days.

I don't have problems remembering dates. I'm really good with numbers, so I just use the numerical date and I have no problem remembering them. However, why they are important is what I have a problem with. Not to mention I can't remember a bunch of other stuff now-a-days.

This is sort of a complicated question for me, but I'll give it a go. Maybe I'll write about it on my blog as to why it's complicated.

My dog Ralphie. He always knows when I'm having a bad moment, a bad day, or just need cheering up. When he senses this, he comes over to me and gives me a kiss, lays his head on me, or demand that I play with him.

Spending time with my grandpa. I haven't been very close with any member of my family in a really long time. Since I've moved back to New York, he's been finding odd jobs for me to do around his house for him and my grandma. We've become a lot closer because of this.

Spending time with my parents and sisters. I never thought that that would make me happy, but a lot of things have changed in my life recently. I spend a lot of time with my mom cooking and gardening. My dad and I take a lot of rides together, even though we sit in silence most of the time. My sisters and I watch a lot of movies, we share books, we go for bike rides, and we just hang out more.

When one of my favorite songs plays on the radio or a cd that I haven't heard in awhile.

Finding a new song that I connect with. Especially ones that remind me of happier moments.

Talking with my friends and making new ones. I've always been an introvert, but lately I've been more outgoing and I've met a lot of great people.

Writing and painting. I've been trying to find ways to express and release my emotions that aren't destructive. I love being able to express whatever it is I'm feeling with words or with some paint and a brush. When I'm having one of those days, nothing makes me happier than being able to release it in a way that's constructive.

Thanks RightOn. I hope yours gets better :)

I was in a somewhat similar situation with an ex before. That kind of break up is hard to get over. I would spend my time trying not to think about her. We would talk occasionally and we sometimes talked about getting back together, but by that time I had moved back home clear across the country.

I took it hard when I found out she had started seeing someone else.

It's been almost 2 years since we broke up. I'm now engaged to an amazing and wonderful person. But I admit, I still think about my ex. Although, not in the same way I used to. I don't think I could ever forget her, but my feelings toward the situation and her have changed tremendously. Time is really the only thing that will help.

As for knowing when you're ready for another relationship, I don't think you'll know until you try it out. I wouldn't jump into anything serious. A couple dates here and there. You'll realize whether or not you're ready for another relationship or if you need more time.

Ness and I are too busy to cook at the moment so we usually just stock up on ramen for when we're hungry but don't have time to cook. It doesn't hurt that it's cheap. Ness only buys the Maruchan brand, but I have no problem with Top Ramen brand. I can't tell the difference anyway.

As for flavors mine would have to be Roasted Chicken or Roast Beef. I don't mind the original Chicken or Beef either. I won't touch Pork, Oriental, or Shrimp. I think those are gross. Ness, however, loves them.

Well, my fiance's is If Only by Hanson.. :) and I don't have a cell at the moment.

I'm Josh, I'm 23, I live in Cleveland, OH with my girlfriend Ness. I'm transgender and I sometimes write about that on my personal site. I'm a web developer with too little time to do everything that I want, but I'm working on a project set to launch later this week where I get a chance to write about one of my obsessions.

Some hobbies include: watching movies, writing, reading books about anything, watching The Office, and making mixed cd's.

I wouldn't normally ask her parents for permission, but we've talked about that and she says she wants to do it traditionally like that and her parents would take that as a sign of respect. She's told them both what we plan on doing, so it wouldn't be a huge surprise to them.

Thanks everyone :) I don't feel like I'm crazy about this, that's why I was asking, because I normally feel crazy. :P

I think the only people it'll be a surprise to would be to my parents and family. My dad told me that nobody else in our family, like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, knows that I'm with Ness and they think she's "just a friend". But hell, are they really that naive to think that I moved to Cleveland of all places for a friend? Maybe, but I think they are smarter than that.

Mike, if it weren't so cold, I would have probably worn the same thing. That and I actually had to go somewhere today. Well, it was just out to dinner, but still. It's rainy, and cold, and I wanted to look awesome. I'm self-centered.

I only wear tailored suits...I wish.

Bond. James Bond. That and really skimpy swim suits. Nut huggers I call them.

estarla: I like my lack of a dress code. I mean, I could start one, but what would be the point? It's just me. :)

I'm a huge camo fan, although I take it in strides. I have camo shorts and a camo long sleeve tshirt, but I don't wear them at the same time. I'm not in the army. I saw a couple of guys wearing head to toe camo the other day and thought they were in the army. Realized they just liked camo.

It's funny how things worked out. At least to me. I never thought a career in web development/design would ever really interest me; it was just something that I liked doing. But that's just how it goes.

Although, I still have ideas of what I want to be when I grow up. I still want to write, even if I suck, I still want to teach, just not college anymore, and there's a few more. I've never been the kind of person to stick with things. I learn all I can, do things as best I can, and then I need to move on. Maybe eventually I'll have to settle down, like when I have kids and have a family to support, I'll figure something out and stick with it. But I'm not going to stop believing that I can do whatever the hell I want.

I went through a lot of phases. When I was really long I wanted to be a doctor. But then I started watching more late night tv with my mom and wanted to be a lawyer because I just wanted to bullshit in front of people.

When I was in late junior high/high school I wanted to be a writer. That never really panned out because I could never finish anything I started.

In my freshman year of college, I wanted to be a physicist, but then changed my mind sophmore year and wanted to be a philosopher and/or a professor.

I wore a skirt...once. It wasn't fun. :)

I'm so glad that I get to wear whatever I want when I'm working.