Chixe

What precipitates change depends heavily on the type of change that needs to be made. Here's how I put it in a recent post:

[We're] programmed from our early childhood by two things: our environment and our biology. We carry that programming through life and build upon it as best we can. However, there usually comes a point in a person’s life where the past programming is no longer able to take him where he wants to go. Often this is precipitated by overexcitabilities: overt intellectual curiosity, overt physical movement (the kid who just can’t stop moving), overt emotion and expression thereof, etc. The more these overexcitabilities are expressed, the more discontent with his primary programming a person is becoming. The first sign of this may be a panic attack. Once the person realizes that he can no longer continue down the path of his previous programming and go in life where he feels that he must or where he truly desires, it becomes incumbent upon him tear himself apart (to disintegrate as a person) and reconstruct himself (or reintegrate) according to how he wants to become.

The process of positive disintegration is usually a pretty painful one, since it involves facing all the things which have created who you are — love, fear, hopes, dreams, hatreds, desires, taboos — and deconstructing them in order to create the person you wish to be. It is easy to become lost in the intellectual side of positive disintegration, meaning that the process can, without proper guidance, become mired in intellectualism. However, once the defensive barrier of intellectuality has been broken through, all that is left is the raw person, and from there does process of true disintegration begin. Tears are usually shed, depression may set in, and the question of meaning may become very pervasive. It has for me.

When reintegration begins, the person can ask themselves such questions as “who do I want to be?” and “who do I want to become?”, discovering that the answer was within them all the time, but that prior programming may have prevented it from actualizing. However, once the person has reached the point where he is willing to reintegrate, then the answers — and the actions which follow — are more easily accepted and integrated.

There's more to the post, but it's not really relevant to this discussion.

Whether it be in my personal life or work life, change has taken enormous courage and strength. Once there was a percipitating event (health crisis of parent) but others are a pattern that moves very slowly and inconsistently towards change. I like security and stability so my paths are never fast and impulsive. I most defintely 'stay the course' longer than necessary. Mostly the thought out, long pattern is when my conclusion is "I am worth more"

If I see that I am soon going to be taken advantage of in anyway, I tend to move away from whatever it is. This has led some people to call me cold, because I'll completely cut off things from my life, including people. I just feel you shouldn't waste your time. If you've tried to work things out in the past, and it didn't happen, it's time to move on entirely and not pretend like it was ever all right.

This, I think, is something I've learned. Growing up in a not so good family, I've seen so many occasions where it was time for someone to not only move on, but completely cut the other person out of their lives and move on. It's a waste of time and life to do anything else.

It can be painful and stressful to make decisions that require such moving on, but at the same time, I think it's more rewarding in the future. I can't say I have many, if any, regrets about the people and things I've moved on from in the past. Most of them went just the way I thought they would--in ways I didn't want to follow--and meanwhile I've gotten exactly what I was wanting.

Is this going to take me where I want to go? If not move on.

Is this an impediment to my goals? If so move on.

Is this situation using more energy than it is worth, and could that energy be used better in some other aspect of my life? If so stop wasting the energy on that certain situation.

I think people tend to get too hung up on things that aren't really impediments at all, they use their history, their family, their employer as excuses because it is scary for some to change, either the way they live, where they work or their relationships. I think if it doesn't feel right you got to change it, you only have one life - be as satisfied with it as you can.

You weren't exactly clear on what kind of situation this was so I can't answer any better than that.

Great replies, thank you.

@Gnorb: This is an interesting take and a view that I think a lot of people might recognise. For example I think it is a widely held belief that change is painful, which is something that gets programmed very early on based around our inherent dislike for the unknown, due in part I think to our survival instincts - stick with what you know, it's 'safer'.

You also make mention of the two ways we are programmed which I would perhaps describe, not wishing to simplify it too much, as internally and externally. I would also take biology to include the relevance of neuroscience. How we process our experience affects the conclusions and beliefs we come to.

In terms of early development I personally would put a greater emphasis on the external - to quote a saying often attributed to the Jesuits "Give me the child until he is seven, and I will show you the man." - At the point of birth it is essential to fit in with the social group that is, for the mean time, nurturing and supporting you. Perhaps this is one of those learned behaviours that leads people later in life to avoid 'rocking the boat' and sticking with a situation they are not happy in.

On the point of finding that your programming is no longer working for you I certainly agree that this can lead to over intellectualising for some and, as highlighted by others in this post, it can create a recognition that things need to change, as simple as that. I guess my original thoughts were around how quickly do people come to this recognition and at what point do they act upon it. There have clearly been some different views here on that point.

It is my belief that something which has a strong influence here is the away from/towards principal. Some people move towards pleasure, i.e. what they want, and some people move away from pain i.e. the unhappy circumstances.

The difference between the two is that the forward facing 'towards' method allows you to keep an eye on where you are going and take steps in that direction. The 'away from' model leaves you with an eye over your shoulder until you decide it's getting too much and you jump - the catch is though that as you've been watching your back you don't always know where you are going to land. Bring in the fear of the unknown mentioned earlier and that's where people get stuck - hence why some people stick with things longer than they perhaps are comfortable with. Better the devil you know springs to mind.

@Cooper/Leliathomas: What I notice about your comments are that you both appear, in the context of this discussion, to be applying a towards approach to making changes. I also note that this seems to be a much quicker process than in depth self analysis. That's not to suggest that you don't self analyse, I'm sure you get in touch with what is happening for you, but I get the feeling that the process isn't dominated by that introspection? In fact Gnorb, I'm not suggesting your process is dominated by it either, just noting what I think are different styles.

@Auburn: I really get what you are saying. I've had a tendency in the past to stick with things too long for many reasons but ultimately I've come to the conclusion that change is good. It's the only constant we have.

I'm just working on getting faster at it - you could say Cooperfying it ;-)

Thanks for sharing.

lelia what you say is true

What I notice about your comments are that you both appear, in the context of this discussion, to be applying a towards approach to making changes. I also note that this seems to be a much quicker process than in depth self analysis.

It's because I do a lot of in-depth self-analysis, all the time, that I know whether someone/something is going to be wrong for me or not, I think. I think it's those who don't know themselves that end up not making changes in their lives. I think you were right about the strong self-identity connection, to some degree.

@Leliathomas: I apologise if I have rushed in to a generalisation. I was focusing on your ability to take action and should have identified that more specifically.

I know an awful lot of people who intellectualise so much that they end up with paralysis by analysis whereas I differentiate that with what you describe.

Would it be a better description to say that along with in-depth self-analysis you also have forward looking outcomes and follow up on the changes you identify?

How about, having thought about it if needs be you do it?

Lol. I love it when I tie myself up in knots like this!

I just want to make sure I understand and value both you and your point, and not paint me all over it.

Clarkey.

I made a huge change to do what I am doing now. I gave up being a paramedic (which I loved!) to drop everything and learn about computers - and move to a new state. I struggled the first few years.. but now.. (9 certs / 10 years later and the job I have always wanted that is in my now blood) I would do it all over again!

What made me decide? I wanted change. I had thought and thought and thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I loved being a paramedic.. but I had a fascination with comptuers I could not 'get over'. Well, actually that started when I was 10 with a commodore 64.

But I actually embrace change. Whether it is at work (I've moved from MO to NC and now to KS with my job), in my life (starting over after a rotten/abusive marriage as a single mom.. and 8 years later getting remarried after I swore I never would), or just anything.. I guess I get bored of the same ole same ole.. and I know after a while I NEED a change.

Sometimes change Has impeeded where I want to eventually get.. but the knowledge learned along the way always makes my goal more attainable - even if I don't see it at first.

My best friend gave me a book before I moved to the Raleigh NC area.. The Dream Giver - http://www.crossroad.to/articles2/05/dream-giver.htm and I read it before I decide to make any big change in my life. It helps me re-analyze my goals and helps reassure me in what I am doing.

Normally, if things go smoothly.. then I know it was meant to be and somewhere out there, there is a reason for whatever happens. I try to take it and learn from it - good change and bad change.

Life is about expereince.. so what better way to expereince it than change. The more you know....

(sorry to go on and on, I did not mean for this to be so long ;)

I apologise if I have rushed in to a generalisation. I was focusing on your ability to take action and should have identified that more specifically.

No worries. :) I wasn't offended in the first place, so sorry if it came out that way. :) Sometimes I write quick posts here, in the middle of doing things, so perhaps my meaning is a bit off on occasion.

I think it may be difficult to ascribe a certain kind of person to how one reacts to change. We refer to it all as change, but an important question isn't getting asked, I suppose. Such as, "What change?" Like, most of us, I hope can decide to embrace change and get out of abusive or bad relationships. Not all of us can make the decision to change from one career path to another, however, as Erica did.

There's also the aspect of how people really handle change. On the outside, I think I probably seem pretty gung-ho and calm when handling things. On the inside, however, I usually struggle quite a bit. I am a high-strung, stressed person, and it's affected my health in the past already (and I'm only 21).

Interesting topic you've posted here. It makes me realize just how weird a mix I am personally. I consider myself quite emotive creatively, but in how I handle my beliefs and life, I put an emphasis on non-emotive, fact-based material.

Maybe I have a split personality. :D

Real good point, Leliathomas. The part about how change is handled on the inside and outside, I mean. On my outside, I think people would tend to see no difference except maybe more self-confidence. On the inside, I would be all stressed out, probably even making more lists than usual. That's the key---how many lists do I automatically write. More importantly, how many things do I have crossed off and done daily on these lists. How many doodles are between the concrete items.

Maybe I have a split personality. :D

Ahh no.. I don't think that is it at all. We each have at least 2 sides to us.. what we are inside and what we project as to how we want others to see us as. They are both part of us.. it is just being selective as to who you let see what part of your 'whole' that only you know all of - what you think, what you feel, what you remember, what you perceive. Nothing wrong with it - it is human nature.

I think at 21 I was just beginning to understand who I really am.. finding myself - outside of books, peers, teachers, family, siblings, friends - learning about who I am compiled from the last 21 years. Growing older is also about growing to understand yourself as well as things around you in different environments.

As for an abusive relationship and change - it took me getting pregnant at 22 from someone who I thought loved me - to get out of broken bones, black eyes, busted lips, stalking.

I woke up one morning 6 months pregnant and decided that I would not have my son bringing his g/f or wife to my house in the condition I was in week after week - and telling me that he saw his father do it to me.. so he thought it was alright to do to his g/f or wife.

After my divorce I swore I would never put myself in that position again. Now, I am married to the most perfect man in my eyes... we celebrated 5 years marriage last October, and we have been together going on 11 years now. And no matter how mad I get, or how mad he gets.. he will walk away and never raise a hand to me. I see now there are more good fish in the sea than bad ones.. it is just hard sometimes to open your eyes.

As much as I hate to say it, I would never take it back though... I learned about myself from it. And, I wouldn't have my son now who I love as much as life. Just another change I had to make.

Integrity is the key.

How much is illusion,delusion and going the easy path instead of working on something to make it go right... and when is pushing further the wrong thing and the correct thing is to cut the cords.

After 6 years putting time and effort into making a relationship work I took a hard look into the mirror - always works best for me, can I look myself into the eyes or am I ashamed of myself? - that was the point when I realized why this relationship would never work for me, I missed having a game withe with my partner, a good game this is.

Ending that relationship was the opposite of easy, I lost at the same time my income, had to struggle free from 6 years of invalidations on my abilities and that I could never make it, plus I had reached an age I thought I'd be out of the relationship game and that it was over for me - but I thought rather alone than continuing. I even went so far as to move on utterly and go overseas and to begin completely a new.

The result was that I met - completely out of the blue and without looking for it - my husband and we are married now over 10 years... AND I have games :-)

@Leliathomas: All good stuff - glad there was no offence :-)

As for split personality, I would agree with Ericastjohn, although I would say there are a few more. Me at work, me with friends, me with strangers, me on here and so it goes on. The tricky part is finding the "I" and finding out what that wants.

@Ericastjohn: How many would judge and say you should do this or that when faced with an abusive relationship, as if logic were the only ingredient. I am well aware of some of the thousand reasons why some women choose to stay in such a relationship and I am also aware of the courage it can take to leave. I guess in a non patronising way I'm trying to say I have respect for the change you have stood up to.

Mentioning being a paramedic reminded me of something. I was running a goal setting workshop a few months ago which included a few academics as delegates and also a woman who had just quit her job to become a paramedic. On more than one occasion she took me to one side and pointed out that she didn't feel she was 'getting it' whereas everyone else seemed to understand everything easily. I had great pleasure pointing out to her that she probably got it more than anyone else there - she was the only one in the room who had actually done anything about her goals - the others could discuss the theory at length, whereas she had left her job and started getting on with her new career.

@mStudios: Again, that sounds like a less than easy choice and I'm glad it's worked out for you. Why do some people get so much from invalidating others! - o.k. that's a different thread entirely.

@auburn: Now there's a question! I would also ask how much does the doodling inbetween protect us from facing the change we would aspire to? - I've made quite a few notes over the years!! :-)

Thanks for the honesty.

Thank you Clarkey :)

As for being a paramedic... I do miss it so much. Funny thing is.. I did that exact thing leaving as a paramedic to become a computer tech. I dropped all the schooling I had.. all the work, all the expereince and started cold feet to learn - sink or swim on computers. I don't regret it at all.. but it was such a chance I took. All in all, I guess that

getting the courage is hard... and following through even harder.. no matter what you choose to change!