Chixe Thread: 10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Tyme — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:50:40

So maybe it's not intentional guilt which would piss a lot of us off, but our inability to handle emotions that way that plays us right into women's hands.

I think people tend to over-think things. Maybe I'm warped but it's simplistic to me. There are two basic ways a relationship develops:

1) Two people are attracted to each other from the beginning (like meeting at the club) and progress the relationship to intimacy without really knowing each other.

2) Two people meet, they get to know each other, realize there are romantic feels shared by the both of them, and act on those feelings, becoming a couple.

The first example has no foundation and this is where many relationships fall (IMO). What tends to happen is that the pair crossed the line into intimacy and THEN they tried to fill in the missing pieces, trying to make the other person fit the role of their desired mate. It’s like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and expecting to survive.

In the second example the two people know each other, started to love each other (perhaps without even realizing it) and the relationship started before the both of them addressed it because the connection slowly built over time. That's why "suddenly" the guy a woman has spent a considerable amount of time with becomes the sexiest most desirable guy on the planet or the woman a man has spent time with goes from cute to hot and he has to have her.

In the first example (IMO) this is where situations like Scrivs and Kami describe come into play. Try explaining to the woman who met her man at the club, slept with and became his girlfriend quickly that history won't repeat itself. Women can feel insecure when men watch porn especially if her body doesn't look like the porn women he watches. Many of the issues addressed are bred from insecurity, fear, etc. and that have legitimate beginnings.

The second situation avoids a lot of this. As friends getting to know each other and the feelings developed over time, the girl will know the guy went to the club 1000x during that time and still picked her...why feel threatened? The girl/guy at the office/school got to know each other, balanced their professional/personal roles (which is like a double slam dunk) so how can someone that is attractive compete with that? The guy watched countless porn movies and still picked her, why feel threatened?

But more important, in the first example because he/she doesn't really know the other person it is easier to abuse the power being vulnerable brings - and that is the situation Kami describes. That is when the manipulations enter the picture. That is where trust issues develop. In the second scenario there is a foundation, memories, feelings and trust. Just like you avoid hurting your best friends the guy/girl will not abuse the power opening yourself up to someone brings because the guy/girl has become the ultimate best friend.

To me, Cosmos is for the person that is involved in the first example of relationships. For the second example it’s already known there will be disagreements, pain, disappointment, etc. but together the two learned how to work through them naturally realizing that one might not like what a person does but he/she still loves the person for who they are inside – including the good, bad and the ugly.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Kamigoroshi — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:25:00

I don't know if guilt is too strong a word but I've always used it (the word, not the action, well...not really).

The way I see it, most men don't want to see a woman be all emotional and would go to great lengths not to see them throw a hissy fit or cry. A lot of actions I've noticed especially in relationships between men and women, hinge on that, from getting to know them to breaking up even. It's like a pathological fear of seeing an emotional women. I think I've mentioned this before on some note somewhere.

So maybe it's not intentional guilt which would piss a lot of us off, but our inability to handle emotions that way that plays us right into women's hands.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Scrivs — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 10:02:49

I don't know man, you make me feel guilty that just ends up pissing me off. I don't play the guilt game...at all. You use it on me, I just turn it around tenfold back on you.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Tyme — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:38:10

Guilt - that's an interesting one. Can you explain guilt?

edit: If you're talking about a situation like this:

7. Go out for girl's night. We beg you. We love to go out with the boys, but when you never go out with your friends, we start to feel guilty and the guilt keeps us home, which keeps us unhappy.

To me that's unnecessary guilt but I have bumped into it. If I opt not to go out that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself doing whatever it is I'm doing. That doesn't (to me) have anything to do with the guy going out and it perplexes me that a guy would feel guilty if I make the choice to stay home (for example). Unless the girl flips it and holds it over the guys head (I can see guilt coming into play there) - which I don't agree with.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Kamigoroshi — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:12:10

You know, this list can be narrowed down to something I tell all women who say they don't get men. Men are driven by two things that take precedence in their lives.

1. Sex.
2. Guilt

Control that and you control almost every man there is. :)

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

estarla — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:57:09

Well, you know... points are points. :D (Thanks RightOn!)

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

RightOn — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:45:47

...yes estarla said "gonna be down on him"

5 points!

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

estarla — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:38:21

@scrivs: Then I'm taking you at your word that they are two different points since (newsflash) I'm not a guy.

I completely believe #6 though I don't believe it's the *only* way a guy can cheat. It's along the lines of being self-defeating and setting the morale of the relationship. If there's no incentive to be faithful because you're going to be down on him and not trusting him either way - then you're not making even faithfulness appealing for him.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

RightOn — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:25:11

#10 applies to oddball movies in my house.

I don't watch sporting events (unless Drum Corps is considered a sport in your world).

My wife watches Baseball but could care less if I watch it with her. "watching" baseball with my wife usually consists of my ass on the couch, and my iPod Touch in hand.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Scrivs — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:09:55

@estarla: If you are guy you know they are two different points.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Tyme — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:58:40

That's very true. It gives the opportunity to really get to know someone without the distractions a club, restaurant, etc. can bring.

#10 - Even if I'm not into the sport I get a kick out of him enjoying it. There have been many times I offered my home for an ex to have his friends over to watch whatever - good food, drinks and friends. Lots of fun.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

estarla — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:58:39

Good one. I thought it interesting that you made two different points out of "hot" girls and "cute and nice" girls...but were the same points. It's hard to tell us apart, I know. Hah.

About proximity infatuation - I have to think about that. I definitely think it depends more on the guy for me.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Scrivs — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:45:58

Love that term. Fits almost every situation a guy has had in school or work.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Mike — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:42:14

#3 is all about the proximity infatuation. Being in close contact with someone over a period of time can trump whatever "negatives" are seen off the bat. True lie.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

liza — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:41:31

Paul a very enlightening list. I believe alot of women already know these things, but need to be reminded of them.

10 Things You Don't Know About Men by Paul Scrivens

Scrivs — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:25:11

1. If you have any hot friends we will think about having sex with them. It doesn't mean we will consider having sex with them, just that we will think about it. It is not something that can be stopped, just let it flow, doesn't make us love you any less.

2. If you have any friends that are cute and just really nice to us and we get along with them we will think about having sex with them. It doesn't mean we will consider having sex with them, just that we will think about it.

3. Looks certainly matter to us, but we will take the cute girl at the office that we get along with over the hot witch any day of the week. In fact we might not even find a girl attractive until after a couple of months of getting to know her. This doesn't mean we still aren't dogs.

4. Although we enjoy watching porn, it doesn't mean we want you to be like that in bed. Sure you can do some crazy stuff from time to time, but we don't want ultra high-paced excitement all the time. We do need variety though and if it's our faults for making us fall into a routine, let us know or change it up yourself.

5. Again with the porn. We like the women in the porn, doesn't mean we want to marry the women in the porn. We like our women looking normal, not as though they setup shop with every guy in the neighborhood.

6. The quickest way for us to stop being faithful to our women is for our women to stop trusting us and letting it show. If you have a good man show your trust, but the moment you start to show you don't trust him going out with his friends and putting that leash on him we will start to stray.

7. Go out for girl's night. We beg you. We love to go out with the boys, but when you never go out with your friends, we start to feel guilty and the guilt keeps us home, which keeps us unhappy.

8. Use your hands. That is all I will say about that.

9. If there is something you hate about us you have two options: love it or leave it. We won't change. It's not in our DNA. We might change for a second, but we will revert back to it eventually. You can't stop nature.

10. If you don't like watching sports, don't feel as though you have to sit with us to watch them. We are perfectly fine watching the game by ourselves. Don't ruin our experience.