Chixe

It's true--it is how one carries himself. I think the telltale sign in this story is he is questioning why a woman will go for another man and not him. It shows he has a bit of a negative mindset in the first place.

The question shouldn't be why this woman, that woman or women in general DON'T go for him--it should be which woman or type of woman or whatever he would be interested in dating. It's a cliche, but you have to think positive. When you think negative, you've defeated yourself before you're even out of the box, because you're already thinking about how things won't work out for you. The way he should be thinking about why things don't click for him is well, if she doesn't see the qualities in him, how handsome he is, how un-broke he is, then her loss, right? ;)

The "aura" situation will take care of itself when he thinks positively. :)

By the way--you will NEVER be able to always tell why a woman won't go for you anyway, so why even venture? You gotta work on yourself and figure out what's good for you (because how often have we all have failed dates?) and work on your own character as the basis of choosing your partner.

"he just can't do it because he doesn't have that in him."

I think this is at the crux of the issue.
I can't speak for all of us women, but...
The guy who would eventually become my boyfriend approached me at a party when I was sitting by myself, and said "Hi, I'm Brian." No cheesy line, no pretense, just a "what's up." I was impressed by his confidence more than anything else.

You gotta love yourself before you can expect anyone else to want to have a good time with you. Period.

That's what I try to tell him. You can tell he lacks confidence not only by the way he talks, but his facial expressions and just always sitting in the back or looking like a slouch. I'm not saying he should be like me running around acting a fool, but there are times when I chill by myself and don't look like I'm gonna commit suicide.

I think the issue I have to get across is that there is no magic formula. If he sees me he thinks its because I dance, if he sees another guy he will think its for money and etc.

The blunt truth: if a man really wants a woman, he'll make an attempt. Period. Shy men come up to me all the time, afraid of rejection but will not let the opportunity pass them by, and are so cute I can't help but smile and give them my attention.

Because it took guts to walk up to me.
It took guts to overcome that fear.
It takes guts to try.

The guy that can walk up to any woman I pass on every time until he turns into that guy that is hesitant and the girl matters enough to care whether he gets her or not (it happens eventually). It's the fear of rejection that causes men (and women) to choke up or do stupid things trying to impress instead of just being themselves.

But the guy that really wants the girl will at least try and if he doesn't, well the girl deserves better. She can't pick up the ball where the guy dropped it because she'll most likely never know the guy was into her in the first place.

So let your friend be. When the right girl comes along, he'll talk because letting her get away isn't an option.

Tyme, I love your optimism.

You're right--it's not about money or clothes. I don't think it's even about the physical looks at all (except cleanliness). It's the message he's giving off to not just girls / women but the whole planet. He does not have self-confidence. It's all about the aura...

*Tyme whips out her notebook and starts taking notes from auburn.... :)

estarla: it's either optimism or stupidity but I believe people hold on to what they value the most. The guy that overcomes is awesome and inspires me to do the same.

*Tyme goes back to taking notes...

This totally reminds me of the Asian youtube video yellow fever.

So true and so hilarious. But the same thing goes for women too. I usually find it easier to get along with people who are outgoing and maybe even a little crazy.

Being confident makes a situation less awkward. If you're upfront about things in the beginning then it makes it easier to tell if you're going to get along or not. If it turns out that the girl is not really you're type then you don't waste time on girls that you're clearly not interested.

Scrivs: Acting like a fool is always the best! It makes things more fun.

But seriously guys, what's your take on this?

Haha great video Michael.

I know isn't it hilarious?

*disclaimer: I'm not a lady*

"I tried to explain to him how you women have a gift of sensing the aura on a man and the way he carries himself dictates your attraction towards him."

*DING DING DING DING DING!* We have a winner. This is exactly what it is. True, looks and money help (physical attraction is a natural thing and money = security, which is important) but these are EASILY trumped by the way a guy carries himself. Hell, look at me: I'm at best moderately attractive -- and fat -- and I was still able to convince The Wife to marry me.

Suggestion: Tell your friend to read "how to have confidence and power in dealing with people" (Les Giblin, I believe) and "Unstoppable Confidence" (dunno the author). Apply that information. Also "How to start a conversation and make friends" is a good one. When you understand people better you understand yourself better. It's that understanding that leads to confidence with others. For some of us this comes naturally. For others (myself included) this takes a fair amount of work, and if ignored can cost us in the long run, not only when it comes to finding a significant other, but also in things like careers, businesses, and all manner of decisions.

That said, what's he good at? I always found that I actually had courage to hit on girls (even during times when I had absolutely NO concept of "self esteem" and displayed even less of it) when I was doing music (usually performing). Never got a date, but here I wasn't afraid of trying, and using that I was able to open many doors by taking lessons from it (in the aspects of entertainment and interaction with different types of people) and applying them elsewhere in life.

Still, you hit the nail on the head. Tell your friend not to be scared of making a fool of himself once in a while. The girl he may be after might just like his type of foolery. (His name's not "Tom" is it? Get it? Tom Foolery? *sigh* Alright, I'm being punny and very unfunny today. Sorry 'bout that.)

(His name's not "Tom" is it? Get it? Tom Foolery? *sigh* Alright, I'm being punny and very unfunny today. Sorry 'bout that.)

I chuckled!

Absolutely it's the way he carries himself. And like Tyme, even if he is a shy guy or whatever, I admire someone who actually goes up and says "Hi." In the end, if he REALLY likes you, they generally build up courage to say hello. It needs to be genuine confidence, though. Women can spot fakers pretty easy. I once went on a date with a guy who wasn't genuinely confident even tho he said and did the "right things" -- it just came off incredibly awkward and made me feel uncomfortable.

So get in a good headspace first and foremost. Be happy.

Also, that Yellow Fever vid is one of my faves!

It's the catch-22 for him.

Without confidence he can never get a girl. Without a girl, he can never have confidence.

Then again, believing that every man has a girl out there for him, that he needs a girl that can top him. There are women that like shy men like that. Women that don't have to worry about their security to need someone to comfort them.

Of course though, when men realize that women are just as scared as well, then it's all over. The thing is, women are much better at dealing with their insecurities than men. That's something to think about the next time you're the shy guy in a crowd full of women. :)

I think all these responses have missed the point. The question has a mistaken premise - how to talk to women. Women can sense your aura. Women like a man who is confident.

Forget about women. How does he talk to people? Can he talk to people? Well he can talk to women. They're not a different species. They can't sense your aura. There aren't any tips or tricks or rules about how to talk to women. They're just people.

Forget about women. How does he talk to people? Can he talk to people? Well he can talk to women. They're not a different species. They can't sense your aura. There aren't any tips or tricks or rules about how to talk to women. They're just people.

Great answer Chickpea, you can be in my hummus anytime.

@Chickpea - I know many men that talk to people just fine. The woman they are interested in? Their insecurity or fear of rejection gets in the way and the confidence they have for everyone else disappears when it comes to communicating to the person they are interested in.

Haha, I know women that do that do. :)

Forget about women. How does he talk to people? Can he talk to people? Well he can talk to women. They're not a different species. They can't sense your aura. There aren't any tips or tricks or rules about how to talk to women. They're just people.

I'm going to have to disagree with you here.

Several sociologists have studied communication between genders, and it is widely found that women and men communicate differently, not only verbally but with body language, behavior, etc. Which means that a male's ability to "talk to people" does not correlate with his ability to talk to women, likewise with a woman's ability to communicate with males.

On the most primal level, we are talking about choosing mates here. Approaching a member of the opposite sex is intimidating for a lot of people and not as straightforward as you portray it.

I know many men that talk to people just fine. The woman they are interested in? Their insecurity or fear of rejection gets in the way and the confidence they have for everyone else disappears when it comes to communicating to the person they are interested in.

Unless he's trying for some bee-otch chick (who he's better off without anyways), most girls who are at a social place looking to talk with other people will do just that -- talk. And talking is where everything begins in the first place.

Scrivs, you and your friend are not in highschool right? The worst thing a normal polite girl would say to a guy who introduces himself is, "Oh nice to meet you. I'm X. I've gotta run. Bye!" There's nothing to fear.

Tell your friend to go take a beginner's ballroom dance lesson. They'll teach you how to compose yourself.

Forget about women. How does he talk to people? Can he talk to people? Well he can talk to women. They're not a different species. They can't sense your aura. There aren't any tips or tricks or rules about how to talk to women. They're just people.

Yeah they are just people, but to falsely assume there isn't different ways to communicate with them vs. some stranger on the street is silly. Do I talk to women the same way I talk to my boys? If I talked to her the same as I talked to everyone else how does she know I am interested in her and not just treating her like the other 6 billion people on the planet? Not saying there are sure fire ways (tips) to handle things, but to say there aren't any rules when talking to someone you are interested in is something I don't agree with.

Do I talk to women the same way I talk to my boys? If I talked to her the same as I talked to everyone else how does she know I am interested in her and not just treating her like the other 6 billion people on the planet?

Very true. The problem usually occurs when the guy doesn't talk to the girl different than he would his platonic female friends. That's when she'd probably scratch her head trying to figure things out. There has to be a noticeable difference.

Scrivs, you and your friend are not in highschool right? The worst thing a normal polite girl would say to a guy who introduces himself is, "Oh nice to meet you. I'm X. I've gotta run. Bye!" There's nothing to fear.

Except the "no", no matter how it is phrased.

"When I go out with one of my boys he has no problem looking at the ladies and pointing out the one he wants to go talk to, but says he just can't do it because he doesn't have that in him."

This is where treating her like anyone would be helpful otherwise it's like prowling the meat markets. If the dude who just can't seem to talk to the girl has to think of it the way you do he is going to fail.

"Yeah they are just people, but to falsely assume there isn't different ways to communicate with them vs. some stranger on the street is silly. Do I talk to women the same way I talk to my boys? If I talked to her the same as I talked to everyone else how does she know I am interested in her and not just treating her like the other 6 billion people on the planet?"

When you first meet a girl she is some stranger on the street the only difference is that you are interested in her. It does seem predatory to me for a guy to see some girl he doesn't know and hone in on her treating her like "the kill". To me treating her differently is predatory unless you already know her and have established a friendship with her - a friendship you establish by treating her like a person first. This is where I differ with most people here, and probably with the majority of people I know.

It depends on what the guy wants. Usually I can tell if a guy is interested or not. If I don't think he is, he's placed in the friend slot - the place most men hate being because it's hard to get out.

Usually the guy can make his interest known without being dominating with it. Hard to describe. In a club situation though, it's very possible for a guy to see a woman for a long time and never says anything. I encounter that a lot. He knows who my friends are, what I drink, what type of music I like and depending on who he knows he could know a lot more (like what I do for a living, other interests, etc.)

Well here's a perfect example that happened to me on Saturday. I encounter a group of three women. one interests me more than the rest. What Chickpea is saying is that I should treat them all the same because women are people, yet I wanted one to know I had interest in her over others. This doesn't mean doing somersaults or anything, but there are ways to show an attraction towards someone without going overboard. That is what I am referring to.

@Monarch: A big problem is hanging out with me, I think some of my friends feel like they have to top me or be just like me to get a girl, when I've found that the ones being themselves (even the shy ones) are more successful because obviously my personality isn't made for anyone. The funny thing is when people talk to my friend they always ask how he is doing later because they like him so much so it just seems he needs to get over that initial icebreaker.

Lately I have just been playing the role of wingman to get my boys in the game as that is much easier than being the pilot and waiting on them to step up. Nothing more frustrating than having a guy stare at a girl all night and not even say "hi".

@Cooper: You are assuming treating her different means acting like you are trying to get her in bed the same night. It could just mean you pay her more attention than anyone else. You tell more jokes around her and hold normal conversations with others.

Well I think at first you have to treat the people you're interested in as just people. You then build it up from polite chat, to more relaxed chat, to "accidentally" making body contact in a natural way, to talking about your private feelings, to touching her deliberately on the arm, to mutual tonsil massage and the sky's the limit.

As you said, Scrivs, treating her like you want to sleep with her within the next 30 minutes would be a bad thing. Conversely if a woman introduced herself to you saying "Hi, I'm Helen, will you marry me?" you'd run a mile, even if you'd quite fancied her up to that point. But you might share a coffee with her, you might go to a movie, and sometime wayyyy down the line you might get married. But it's a really bad pick up line.

You start by treating each other as people, and you gradually build it up. I understood your question to be about how to get the ball rolling in the first instance.

How you carry yourself makes a big difference to how you feel and how others relate to you. Posture affects our emotions as much as emotions affect our posture. Cartoon character Peanuts had something to say about that, as I posted a while ago... http://www.noelkingsley.com/blog/archives/2006/04/posture_happy.html
If someone improves their posture (i.e. have sessions in The Alexander Technique) then it can make huge changes in how they come across to others, as well as feeling great too; it makes you taller, broader and more relaxed.

Scrivs, I am like your friend. Not bad looking, can talk to people fine, also get very angry if a girl picks someone else over me, but the more I like someone, the more nervous I get. It can take me like a month for me to talk to a girl I like.

Maybe it's lack of confidence with me...but I doubt it; I've always been like that. I was 10 years old and it would take me almost until the end of the dance to ask a girl out...and of course I would be nervous...and of course she would say no.

I never understood why girls don't encourage guys that are shy. The more shy they act around you, the more they like you right? If a guy's not bad looking, why not give him a chance? It doesn't mean that they're inferior in any way or in any other aspect of life.

You are assured of not dating an asshole, instead maybe a guy that even worships you a little; a guy that really cares. If that's not what you want, if instead you want some "bad boy" asshole, than most likely you are an asshole yourself.

As to "confidence": if you say "YES, I will have lunch with you" his confidence will go up, I guarantee you.

I think that basic confidence is necessary...dressing nice, posture, etc. but I agree most with Cooper, if I start thinking about "pick up lines," "game," "aura" and all that BS, I am dead in the water. I have enough running through my head as it is; I will just short circuit if I have to think about: (1) making up something fake to say (2) acting fake when I say it (3) thinking about whether she likes that fake nonsense.

If a girl comes up to me and asks me for a date, and she is nice looking, I wouldn't care how shy she is. I wouldn't care if she can't string a sentence together. I would say yes and at least give us a chance.

As one of the female species, i would say that i definitely agree with Scrivs.

I tried to explain to him how you women have a gift of sensing the aura on a man and the way he carries himself dictates your attraction towards him.

it is. confidence is the key. but not too confident as that will send the girl backing off in distaste.

Nothing more frustrating than having a guy stare at a girl all night and not even say "hi".

so true. if you're interested, then go for it.. in my opinion, guys who isn't afraid to go up and say "hi" usually stand a pretty good chance of getting the girl (that includes every guy).

No matter what else is said in here, you just can't ignore the fact that Scrivs sounds really good in getting to know women. Maybe its bacause he is very confident. ever thought of writing a "How to get the girl without going overboard" book? It just could be a bestseller. =)

Convidence is key. But you can't just 'put on' an air of confidence as it doesn't come over authentically. If we pretend to be confident it often appears over done. This quality comes from within and is directly related to posture and how we hold ourselves. A poise that is upright, broad and also relaxed is what we all need. The best examples can be seen in children of 2-4 yrs old. We were like that too until we lost it with the onset of posture habits. With postural expansiveness comes emotional confidence and security, and it's authentic. You got it right first time, Scrivs.

You said the guy is preoccupied with why women choose other people over him.
I had a friend like that, she was unsatisfiable! If we would walk down the street and someone would hit on me, she'd get jelouse. If someone would hit on her, she would spend the rest of the day complaining all the hot guys hit on me, and why does she get all the trolls.
It was all in her head. Her lack of confidence was so deeply rooted it manifested into self-hatred. She was bitter and it was a (pardon the cliche) vicious circle. She believed no one wanted her, so she would reject every guy that came around. I've actually seen her be so hostile, they simply backed away!
These things are way to complicated for a friend to deal with. The best you could do is be supportive- tell him he looks good, or made a good choice in clothes. I know it's easier for girls to tell each other stuff, like "you look hot", but you should give it a shot. :)

I'm not the type of person who will go up to someone and start talking with them for no apparent reason, unless... I notice that the interest is mutual.

Since 95% of the women I see when I go out either play hard to get, or too easy to get (*) I normally don't approach them, though I have been "adventurous" a couple of times. If a friend introduces me to someone, it's like she's been given a "stamp of approval". If she can relate to a friend of mine then the chances are I can relate to her also.

It's not that I don't like taking chances, nor lack courage. You never know when or where you might meet your life-long partner, and the truth is I might have already missed her already (**) since I don't go out as much as I used to.

I've seen some of my friends making passes at women, and I've seen some that don't. Some men aren't cut out for it? True. But quite honestly, some men just don't want to, unless, like Tyme said, they get the feeling from their gut (or wherever it comes from) that she might be "the one".

And here's a tip for both men and women. If the person who walked up to you needed to be under the slight, or heavy, influence of alcohol, or any other mind-trolling substance, in order to do so, the chances are that they are probably not worth your time in my opinion.

There are certain things you just have to do sober, and not under the influence of a substance that might be covering something the other person might not like. And I've seen more than one life ruined because of that. Not only will you be unsure if the person will like you when he/she is sober, but how will you know if you will also like the person when he/she is?

* - by that I mean no offence to any women in this conversation, nor have I anything against these particular ones, I'm just not interested in them

** - I'm really bad at telling when a girl is interested in me. Usually it's my friends who point it out: "Dude... that girl has been checking you out for like half an hour. Wink at her or something, or at least get me her cellphone number."

@tali - we dudes also check each other out sometimes, but we do so in a very discreet way so we don't appear gay to each other. Here are some examples:

"Looks like you've been putting on weight there bud, I can see your beer belly"

or

"What the hell dude, are you going to work the streets tonight?"

With the man-to-woman translations being:

"You shouldn't wear that, it makes you look overweight"

and

"You look hot."

With that said, it's amazing how we men sometimes say that women are more complicated than us, when we can't get past such a simple barrier like you do.